Life's Laundry

Today and Eighteen Years Ago Today

Eighteen years ago today, my younger sister died in a single vehicle auto accident.  She was 20 weeks pregnant at the time.

That whole thing seems like a million years ago and yet sometime it is very real and very raw and very present. I remember the weather and how bright and sunny it was being Monday of Holy Week.  The weather was unlike today which was rainy and gloomy.  I remember the ride over to my parent's house before my mom told us of the news. I remember being pregnant with Big Sister and I remember that white/red striped shirt that I wore that day and oh, how I loved that shirt.  Funny how we remember certain things isn't it?  I remember the flowers blooming in Charlie's parent's front yard as we passed by and them how within 15 minutes my parent's emtpy yard was filled with over 20 cars of people who heard and came immediately.  I remember how the new pastor at our church telling us that it was his very first day at work at our church and how he had just set his coffee cup down on his desk and prayed out loud, "Ok, Lord.  What now?" and the phone rang to tell him of the death in our family.

I don't dwell on that day but every once in a while, I think on that day and many of the events and how they all were eventually connected and how everything fit together like the pieces of a puzzle.  Oh - another thing that I just thought of was how the alter guild ladies during the funeral were worried to death about there being enough individual cups of wine for communion....and how the very last cup was served to the very last person that knelt at the rail.  I don't remember much from that funeral but I do remember that church being packed and people standing 3 and 5 deep along the aisle and around the back and in the middle aisle.  Hmmm...

I never would have wished an ordeal like that to happen but healing is a choice and we can move forward, feeling what we feel and taking one breath at a time until we can take one moment at a time and then we eventually graduate to one day at a time and keep on going - but it's all a choice.  When we focus on those things that we can control and know somewhere in our hearts that there are brighter days to come - we can do it.  We have to be willing to let go of the past and the grief.  It doesn't mean we forget the person or lose sight of who they were, it just means that we live in the present and look forward to the future as opposed to being tied to and held hostage to the past.

Here's to letting go and making the most of what and who we can hold in our hands right now.

Big Brother had some surgery today.  Everything went better than we ever expected - nothing serious.  He spent the afternoon playing and taking it easy while he listened to Vivaldi and lots of various jazz.  He should be able to go back to school tomorrow.  He's most proud of the tiny, red hole in his hand where they "put that IV tube."  I was reminded today of how much my business really impacts my life because clients and past hostesses who work at the hospital saw our name on the roster and we had people coming by to check on us and that was very humbling.  The anesthesiologist was our new neighbor across the street. The scrub nurse is the husband of a spa hostess from last week.  He came to use before and after the surgery to give us updates and confirmation that all was well.  We felt so cared for and connected.  I was thankful to have the friendships and relationships that I have and the medium with which I have those.  I was also able to schedule a Spa Works Program with the surgeon for her staff in the next coming weeks.

We had every expectation that things would go well but there's nothing like the sweet relief when it's all over and done and any risk of danger has passed.

It's days like today and special events in my life and the lives of my children that I miss her most.  I've shared before how I still wish after all these years that I could pick up the phone and tell her all about my kids, my life and listen to her share of hers.  Interestingly enough, I have another sister alive that this kind of relationship just isn't a reality for various reasons.  I've come to realize that I most likely would not have the kind of relationship that I've tucked in my mind for all these years if my sister were still alive.  I still like to think of how it might be if she were and I could share things with her.  Hell, I still think about what it might be like to share that with my living sister.

Today, I thought of the people that I've loved in my life and lost.  Some of those memories were happy and some were sad and some just were.  I'm thankful to have known every single one of them and blessed to have been taught lifelong lessons by all of them.

And I'm very thankful that today turned out well and that it's bedtime for me.

To Big Sister

What you did took a lot of courage. 

I'm so proud of you. 

What I want most for you is to put the entire thing behind you, shed the victim mentality and move forward as a warrior for your future.  You've worn that cloak for far too long.

I am your biggest fan and always on the side of what is best for you. I see bright things for you when you make the right choices and consistently do the right things.

Now go on ahead and soar towards your destiny!

I ♥ You!

Relieved

They say death comes in threes and for most of my adult life, that has proven to be true.  When I was in Savannah for my friend's funeral, I read of another woman's death that I used to know.  We attended church for 11 years together.  That was two people who had died. My mind was always entertaining the notion of who would fill that third spot.  For two weeks, I had nightmares that it would be MusicMan or his parents or my father.

This morning, Big Sister called to tell me that my Ex-FIL had died last night.   He's the one that I wrote about briefly in The Bouncer series last summer and fall.

I tried to comfort and support her in her time of confusion - happy that he's dead because of the things he had done to her and people she loved and sad because no matter what, it's still loss and at one time she did love him before she discovered truths about him.  The words I was speaking to her were reminders to my self.

At one time, I loved The Bouncer and believed that we were to spend the rest of our lives together. Grieving means that you let go of beliefs and expectations and no matter what ushers that change in, we still have to let go.

Today I'm relieved.....relieved that the man no longer walks the earth, relieved that I don't have anything to do with him anymore and relieved that it's not MusicMan, his parents or mine.

Time Will Tell

We finally found some baseball cleats - after 2.5 hours of searching for something to fit his growing foot AND finding some for Little Sister - who is hell bent on playing baseball too.  Practice went well for a first time. We'll see how it goes after the new wears off.  I do like the coaches, they appear to be committed to developing technique and good sportsmanship/manners and for seven year olds, I like that concept.  I witnessed them "coaching and directing" and not just encouraging and that was impressive.  There's nothing to burst my bubble more quickly than someone who tells kids they are fabulous when they aren't and doesn't have the skills or experience to help them get better.  But hey, I know my expectations are sometimes wacky.

Big Brother is no better or worse than any of the other players and if we can get him to listen and follow directions, I think this may be good for him and his development.  there was noticeable improvement by the end of practice so there is potential there.

Little Sister is such an encourager....and this makes me so proud.  She watched from outside the fence on the ball field and was playing with other girls there but each time it came her brother's turn to hit or catch, she would yell out, "I know you can do it! I know you can!"  Then she would follow it up with, "I knew you could do it!  You're getting better and better each time!  Way to Go!"  

That made me proud :)

I got to meet other mothers and grandmothers and once I get the hang of this practice thing, this may actually work to my advantage.  I was trying to figure out how I could bring my phone list and hostess notebook with me to practice and make phone calls while sitting there for 90 minutes.  I am excited about what I can accomplish during that time.  This is a new adventure for me and it's forcing me to face my fears of being in something new and the possibility that my child may not excel in this sport.  It's also forcing me to face the possibility that it will be something really fun and good for him.

Time will tell.

P.S.  there's a new photo album over there to the right -> from our recent Leadership Conference.  It's the one of me and the two hunks....Isn't leadership development fun ?

Forgiveness & Life Moving On

Who does forgiveness heal?  Who benefits?  How is it done?  Why does it seem easier for some than others?

This link came to me this morning and I found it so powerful that I wanted to share it with you all.

Re-entry into my home life has been a bit of a challenge.  I spent the entire day Sunday napping and hugging and being hugged.  Monday morning early, MusicMan left for a business trip and I was thrust head first into single parenthood - lunches, homework, dog walking, meal prep, housekeeping, laundry, phone calls, taxi service - you name it; I have loved it.

Because I shifted so much business from last week to this week, I'm playing catch-up to all of that too.  Just when I think I'm on top of it, something else comes up.  I'm so thankful for my clients and consultants and the support they've shown me during this time of transition and grief.  I'm thankful for you too.  Your comments and private emails and phone calls have meant the world to me.  Long and difficult journeys are best when shared with people who are near in heart and spirit and sometimes physical space.

Oh...and Big Brother is going to play baseball.  Today we hunt for cleats (is that how it's spelled? LOL) and Little Sister is very unhappy that she isn't on a team.  She actually throws and catches the ball better than him :/

And life moves on......

Another Down, Another To Go

I'm home from the visitation where I hugged and sniffled with people who love her too.  When I first got there, before I went inside, I felt like my chest was going to explode.  I called MusicMan on the phone and asked for a pep-talk.  He said, you'll laugh and you'll cry and once you get past the first 40 seconds, you'll be fine.

He was right. 

It was so heart warming to see people that we graduated with and haven't seen since and then those who we've remained in touch with.  I saw teachers and counselors from high school and it was so gratifying to have them see what we all have "become" and talk of old times.

There were tears and laughs and lots and lots of hugs and 'remember when....'

Several of us are getting together for drinks in a while to gather and remember someone who touched us all in various but profound ways.  I feel an increased sense of joy and lightheartedness today.  The funeral will have difficult moments but after that - I'm going home to the loving arms of my husband.

One thing I've learned through all of this is that I don't like being away from my family for two weeks.

For Good

I’m struck by the complexity and variety of the emotions and memories flooding my heart and mind in the past 24 hours.  One moment I’m traveling faster than the speed of light and in the flash of a second, I’m watching memories and events play out in slow motion like a sports rerun played over and over….just in case you missed it the first time.  I’m challenged to sort out the dream that I had while in Dallas and figure out what it means and what lessons/messages I am to receive.  I’m challenged to say goodbye to someone who has been such an integral part of every facet of my life for so long.  I can’t remember when she wasn’t part of my life and who I am.  I can’t remember.

Yet this morning, while painting the bedroom of my parent’s house, I found myself standing in front of a window facing the neighbor’s house and was overcome with raw emotion and the memories that flooded over me like a tidal wave.  Those waves crashed in as I stared at the backyard of a house where at the tender young age of fifteen, I fell in love with a young man and shared my virginity with him.  My BFSK was the first to hear of that news.  I thought about the times that my boyfriend and I would sneak out to be together and how much I loved him.  I believed that he loved me – and he did.  Years later would confirm those emotions.  I stared out the window to see the tree that he pressed me against the very first time that he kissed me and for just a fleeting moment in time, I closed my eyes and felt his hands and his lips on me.  I breathed in an intoxicating lust that seemed so real and so present. The tree wasn’t much taller than us at the time of those first kisses and this morning upon opening my eyes, I saw something that had grown and was outstretched to reveal the years of change and growth.  In a few more weeks, the buds will appear and open up to reveal a fullness of greenery that will shelter and shade most of the backyard. Just like that tree, we experience seasons of growth and change…..and we grow up and we grow out.

I realized that I was standing there with the paintbrush in my hand and not sure of how long those flashbacks had taken, I gently placed the paintbrush in the tray, sat down and buried my head in my hands and just cried.  I cried for things that have grown up and out and for the memories of years, even decades of a friendship and the ways that we expressed our love and support for each other.  I cried for the realization of a hole that exist and the fear of who will fill the space of her.  Who will I call in the middle of a crisis like I used to call her?  Will anyone ever need me like she needed me sometimes?  Will I ever know the joy and pain of another relationship like the one I’ve shared with her?  I snapped back onto reality when my dad opened the door to the bedroom and saw me sitting there.  When he realized what he had stumbled upon, he just said, “It’s hard to let go but it’s going to be all right” and then I felt his hand on my shoulder and he turned and walked out.

And almost as immediate as he had appeared, I thought of the laughter and tears I shared with my friend for those few days when I saw her last.  I thought of the last time I spoke with her on the phone and all those things that we’ve said and done in between.  I was reminded of her courage when she came back to a small town of people and held her head high while completing the last 6 weeks of a pregnancy as a single mom.  I was reminded of her courage and commitment to raise that boy as well and as consistent as she did, even amongst naysayers who passed out judgment and criticism like candy at Halloween.  I thought of how many times she had to take a certification test to pass and how she struggled financially until she did gain that certification.  I thought of the time in sixth grade when she spent 3 days with me helping me write my 4H District presentation and practice it over and over until I’d conquered the fear of standing in front of people to speak.  I remember her standing ovation during the awards ceremony when I received my blue ribbon and all the emotions that were contained in the look we shared across that gym. What a discovery of realization to come full circle and stand in front of a group of my peers this past week and speak to them as a trainer.  My journey from that insecure, insignificant young girl who was scared to death to stand in front of people and talk to where I am now was shaped and initiated by her.  She did the same thing a few years later when helping me prep for the pageant at our high school.  I thought of the time that I watched her come in as first runner of for Ms. Georgia and when she won Ms. Savannah.

I felt such gratitude for those times that she helped me and then when she allowed me to return the sentiments to her and she accepted money from me without guilt or shame and how I never expected anything in return but her friendship. I thought of how she held my hand and my heart when I was finally ready to legally end a marriage that had been dead and rotting for over 5 years.  And I remember those truthful words that she spoke to me when I was struggling with the decision to enter another relationship…the one that eventually lead me to marry MusicMan.  “There are few things more important than someone who loves you in a real and healthy way and to whom you can return that love.  Don't let it pass you by Dora, go and get it and live it and don't live in what other people say.”

She modeled a way for me to keep moving forward, to keep doing the right thing, to love wide open and to hold close those that matter.  I watched her change lives through the children that she taught, always striving to find the good and the gifted within themselves even as they were being saddled with labels of mentally and developmentally delayed.  Even two weeks ago she was wishing that she could just go and visit them and tell them again that they are special and not to let anyone ever convince them otherwise.

And through my tears sitting there this morning, I thought of those tender and real moments a few weeks ago where we shared the most intimate thoughts and feelings of our souls.  Some things were said that we already knew but still, we left nothing unsaid.  There were moments when no words were spoken; however, thoughts were exchanged just through the touching of hands and the connection of heart and eyes. 

Even amongst all the rawness of the finality of this loss, the gap between reality and those unrealistic expectations that this would somehow be easier because of preparatory grief was like a wide open gap….just a void.  Those moments are the things that bind my broken heart together now and will eventually give me peace.

There are millions of memories and more are sure to come.  I’ll let them touch me and teach me and bless me and I'll express my emotions through tears and laughter and smiles.  I'll see and hug others tomorrow evening and at the funeral who loved her in their own way.  We'll all laugh and probably cry and I'll remember........

 

And no matter how much time passes or the distance between life and death – knowing her has changed my life.

 

I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason

bringing something that we must learn

and we are led by those

who help us most to grow

if we let them

and we help them in return.

 

Because I knew you, my life has been changed for the better….and for good

 

 

Going Home

My friend died this morning.

I was supposed to come home Sunday from my business trip to Dallas but the weather in Atlanta had me stranded till Tuesday morning.  When my plane landed in Atlanta, I called MusicMan to say that I had arrived safely and he said, "Don't come home, Dora. Go south."

So even after being gone for 8 nights, I am not home yet.

....but my BFSK is.