Life's Laundry: For Good

I’m struck by the complexity and variety of the emotions and memories flooding my heart and mind in the past 24 hours. One moment I’m traveling faster than the speed of light and in the flash of a second, I’m watching memories and events play out in slow motion like a sports rerun played over and over….just in case you missed it the first time. I’m challenged to sort out the dream that I had while in Dallas and figure out what it means and what lessons/messages I am to receive. I’m challenged to say goodbye to someone who has been such an integral part of every facet of my life for so long. I can’t remember when she wasn’t part of my life and who I am. I can’t remember.

Yet this morning, while painting the bedroom of my parent’s house, I found myself standing in front of a window facing the neighbor’s house and was overcome with raw emotion and the memories that flooded over me like a tidal wave. Those waves crashed in as I stared at the backyard of a house where at the tender young age of fifteen, I fell in love with a young man and shared my virginity with him. My BFSK was the first to hear of that news. I thought about the times that my boyfriend and I would sneak out to be together and how much I loved him. I believed that he loved me – and he did. Years later would confirm those emotions. I stared out the window to see the tree that he pressed me against the very first time that he kissed me and for just a fleeting moment in time, I closed my eyes and felt his hands and his lips on me. I breathed in an intoxicating lust that seemed so real and so present. The tree wasn’t much taller than us at the time of those first kisses and this morning upon opening my eyes, I saw something that had grown and was outstretched to reveal the years of change and growth. In a few more weeks, the buds will appear and open up to reveal a fullness of greenery that will shelter and shade most of the backyard. Just like that tree, we experience seasons of growth and change…..and we grow up and we grow out.

I realized that I was standing there with the paintbrush in my hand and not sure of how long those flashbacks had taken, I gently placed the paintbrush in the tray, sat down and buried my head in my hands and just cried. I cried for things that have grown up and out and for the memories of years, even decades of a friendship and the ways that we expressed our love and support for each other. I cried for the realization of a hole that exist and the fear of who will fill the space of her. Who will I call in the middle of a crisis like I used to call her? Will anyone ever need me like she needed me sometimes? Will I ever know the joy and pain of another relationship like the one I’ve shared with her? I snapped back onto reality when my dad opened the door to the bedroom and saw me sitting there. When he realized what he had stumbled upon, he just said, “It’s hard to let go but it’s going to be all right” and then I felt his hand on my shoulder and he turned and walked out.

And almost as immediate as he had appeared, I thought of the laughter and tears I shared with my friend for those few days when I saw her last. I thought of the last time I spoke with her on the phone and all those things that we’ve said and done in between. I was reminded of her courage when she came back to a small town of people and held her head high while completing the last 6 weeks of a pregnancy as a single mom. I was reminded of her courage and commitment to raise that boy as well and as consistent as she did, even amongst naysayers who passed out judgment and criticism like candy at Halloween. I thought of how many times she had to take a certification test to pass and how she struggled financially until she did gain that certification. I thought of the time in sixth grade when she spent 3 days with me helping me write my 4H District presentation and practice it over and over until I’d conquered the fear of standing in front of people to speak. I remember her standing ovation during the awards ceremony when I received my blue ribbon and all the emotions that were contained in the look we shared across that gym. What a discovery of realization to come full circle and stand in front of a group of my peers this past week and speak to them as a trainer. My journey from that insecure, insignificant young girl who was scared to death to stand in front of people and talk to where I am now was shaped and initiated by her. She did the same thing a few years later when helping me prep for the pageant at our high school. I thought of the time that I watched her come in as first runner of for Ms. Georgia and when she won Ms. Savannah.

I felt such gratitude for those times that she helped me and then when she allowed me to return the sentiments to her and she accepted money from me without guilt or shame and how I never expected anything in return but her friendship. I thought of how she held my hand and my heart when I was finally ready to legally end a marriage that had been dead and rotting for over 5 years. And I remember those truthful words that she spoke to me when I was struggling with the decision to enter another relationship…the one that eventually lead me to marry MusicMan. “There are few things more important than someone who loves you in a real and healthy way and to whom you can return that love. Don't let it pass you by Dora, go and get it and live it and don't live in what other people say.”

She modeled a way for me to keep moving forward, to keep doing the right thing, to love wide open and to hold close those that matter. I watched her change lives through the children that she taught, always striving to find the good and the gifted within themselves even as they were being saddled with labels of mentally and developmentally delayed. Even two weeks ago she was wishing that she could just go and visit them and tell them again that they are special and not to let anyone ever convince them otherwise.

And through my tears sitting there this morning, I thought of those tender and real moments a few weeks ago where we shared the most intimate thoughts and feelings of our souls. Some things were said that we already knew but still, we left nothing unsaid. There were moments when no words were spoken; however, thoughts were exchanged just through the touching of hands and the connection of heart and eyes.

Even amongst all the rawness of the finality of this loss, the gap between reality and those unrealistic expectations that this would somehow be easier because of preparatory grief was like a wide open gap….just a void. Those moments are the things that bind my broken heart together now and will eventually give me peace.

There are millions of memories and more are sure to come. I’ll let them touch me and teach me and bless me and I'll express my emotions through tears and laughter and smiles. I'll see and hug others tomorrow evening and at the funeral who loved her in their own way. We'll all laugh and probably cry and I'll remember........

And no matter how much time passes or the distance between life and death – knowing her has changed my life.

I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason

bringing something that we must learn

and we are led by those

who help us most to grow

if we let them

and we help them in return.

Because I knew you, my life has been changed for the better….and for good