Life's Laundry

Christmas 2008 Memories - I'm Moving On

This is my favorite of Big Brother

 

(yes, that's what you think it is in his hand; I'll have to tell the story later if you're interested)

And here's one of my favorites of Little Sister

 

I hope to have the entire album up within the next day or two.  I actually took over 250 pictures from Christmas Eve until yesterday.

The thing that I remember most is that I cried through the majority of the past week and I am so glad it is over.  Don't feel sorry for me though, I'm not wasting time fretting over my dissapointments and emotional setbacks and neither should you.

I'm moving on.  Come on with me.

Conversations With The Wise One

I'm on my third knot - you know the one that you tie to the end of your rope when you need to hang on?  That one.  These past few weeks have taken on their own flight pattern and all that wind that I wished to hoist my sail in a previous post came and took me by surprise.  The challenge was that it took the season, all the things on the to do list and everyone around me and hoisted them forward.  I sat on the sidelines and watched it all move away at a breakneck speed. What frightened me the most is that I convinced myself that I didn't give a shit while I watched it sail away.

I left a comment a few days ago on another blog about making a list of gratitude to help one get in the holiday spirit.  Perhaps it worked for her but it has not worked for me.  I just have not been in the mind place or the heart place that I wanted to be this year.  This is a repeat and regurgitate from previous years.  My mind is overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions and other things that I can't recognize.  My time is heavily occupied with conversations with my self.  Those conversations that I have with my self back are occupying an enormous amount of time. I'm so weary of these conversations that I have with my self.  They only offer insight but rarely do they offer solutions.

Self says to me, "Well, if you really wanted to be in the spirit, you'd find a way to do it.  You find a way to do everything else that you really want to make happen.  What is different this time?"

"I don't know and that's not a cop out.  I really don't know what is up within me. Maybe I'm depressed?  I am resentful about certain people and the way that some things and events have unfolded (or not unfolded).  I am frustrated that my commission check was messed up for the month of December and all month long I have struggled to meet the $3500 in budget requirements that our family has for this month.  What was supposed to be direct deposited into my checking account on the 5th of the month only arrived in yesterday's mail.  Then I spent the entire day shopping for all the people on our Christmas list  feeling horribly resentful about it all. MusicMan is clueless  to my needs and is emotionally suffocating me because for whatever reasons, he can't seem to grasp that the best kind of support for me is encouragement to sort things out and not hovering in my personal space. For 5 weeks, I've been asking my younger kids what they want Santa to bring and they can't utter one thing that is consistent.  Then, this past week, they want a Wii.  That's it....just a Wii.  I went to five different places and there is not one Wii in this town to be found.  I went to three places within 50 miles and there is not one to be found.  I feel like a failure because I can't come up with the one thing that they want. My friend's brain cancer is back in full force.  I feel obligated to attend something that we are going to today and I just want to sit by the fire with a couple of glasses of wine and pout" I huffed back at myself. "If I'm not with others, I don't have to think about how they disappoint me or don't reciprocate in the relationships or how......"

Self cut me off........"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Bitch! Moan! and Groan! why don't you?"  "Why, when you have more than most people in the world do you get like this at this time of year?  What about this, 'make a list of what you have to be thankful for' mentality that you promote to those that know you?"

I returned the rudeness, "Don't guilt me with that crap.  I am totally aware that I have more than most but everything that I have does not compensate for what I need that I don't have.  I feel like my soul has MRSA and it keeps festering and building to a head but there is no relief and the infection is eating me away and preventing me from experiencing the joy and love that can be part of my life. How and Why do I get like this?  Especially at this time of the year?"  I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and spilling over onto my cheeks as my anger opened up to reveal the deep pain beneath. 

I llistened for other self's reply, "I know brain cancer sucks but you already know what you need to focus on there. And Dora, it's not failure that you are feeling.  It is powerlessness.  And that, my dear, is something that you don't do well."

"Well, you are probably right" I said as I realized the truth in the words. "But I'm damn tired of feeling like this every single Christmas.  I don't care about the decorations that are still in the box that I haven't finished.  I don't have the enthusiasm that I crave to have about the childlike spirit of the holiday. I am not the least bit looking forward to attending the event this afternoon or over the weekend....and while I will put on a smiley face while there - deep down, what I really want is to just attend the midnight church service tonight all by myself.  I'm tired of worrying about what everyone else wants.....when it rarely is reciprocated."  I was almost out of breath with my pain disguised as bitterness and self pity.

My other self began softly, "You are right.  We go through this every single year.  And each year the intensity is magnified. Powerlessness is not easy for you to digest, much less live. It's eating a hole in your soul. Now your bitterness and your resentment is oozing out of you and those little things that you used to shrug off and take in stride are overpowering you because you aren't tending to you.  So your older kids only come around when they want something.  So othersare highly focused on themselves and not what you might need, especially at this time of year.  So you feel very stressed about the financial responsibility that you shoulder for your family. So you are upset about not being able to find the Wii.....So you want a different kind of intimate relationship with your husband..."

"Whoa!" I interrupted. "I didn't say anything about that.  Where did that come from?" I demanded.

"You forget that I know you, dear" her words were soft and gentle. "I've lived with you for almost forty three years now and each year one of us gets wiser."  There was no sarcasm in her voice, only tenderness and yes - wisdom.

I began, "Every year when I get like this, I build a wall around myself in hopes that I will not be disappointed or hurt.  I know it hurts me and others but I still do it even when I know it is self destructive. I keep living in the illusion that if I could just do the right thing, or focus on the right thought or let go of the right baggage, that I could make it different for myself."

"How's that working for you so far?" she asked.

"It's not," I whispered in my self realization.  "It's not working no matter what I do or how much effort I put forth."

"Then it's time to try something different" she offered.

"Like what?" I pleaded.  "I've been trying this for five or six years now and it's not getting any better. I'm out of suggestions and options.  What am I going to try next?"

She leaned in close and I could feel her very breath on my ear, "You'll figure it out.  I'll be here to help you. After all, I am the wise one."

I laughed at the absurdity that only mirrored the truth.  Yes, she's right.  I'll figure it out.

Ahhhhh......

That's me....breathing a sigh of relief as I watched Little Sister at her Christmas program last night.

 

It took a bit of stern negotiation and reasoning with the Director - but we were able to be there.  Today, I'm putting this all behind me as I disinfect our entire home and all it's surfaces. Again. I'm amazed this morning at the power of germs but more so at the power of a child's body to heal itself.  The hole is about the size of a pencil lead (instead of the entire pencil) and it has drained nothing but clear fluid for 36 hours now.  The redness has gone down to the size of a quarter (from two adult hands) and there is no tenderness.  Healing through prayers and pharmaceuticals.  This time it was a grand combination.  There's nothing quite like it, eh?

There's also nothing quite like watching thirty to fifty  3, 4 and 5 year olds try to sing about the religious part of Christmas and be still and stay with the program.  Some were waving to parents, some were bawling their eyes out and some were enjoying the event for just what it was......and then after wards, there were refreshments ! "Yeah," said the kids (and some parents).

I knew it would come.  I'm not waiting for the wind to blow.  I'll make my own wind with my activity today and drown out the germs and ride on the relief and to do list.

Here's a picture of the view from our seat in the balcony.

 

Ahhhh....memories :)

What do you remember from your children's programs when they were young?

It's Raining, It's Pouring

Today it is raining.  Sometimes it pours when it is raining.  Today is one of those days.

My MIL has been very sick with this respitory bug going around.  At one point last week, we were not certain that she was going to get well but since we were busy consumed with the infection on Little Sister's leg, I had to prioritize.  She is someone better but very weak and at the tender young age of 84 and a week without food, she is extremely frail.  Last week she announced that were it not for her two grandkids, she would just go ahead and give up and die.  The scary thing is that I know she meant it. That was not encouraging to any of us and as an only child, it highly disturbed MusicMan to have to be worrying about everything that he was.

Yesterday morning, my MIL's best friend died after a long illness.  My MIL is just too sick to participate in visitation or attend the funeral. 

On top of that, their dog was died last night.  This dog was the most beautiful large collie that I've ever seen.  I thought of a bigger than life Lassie when I thought of this dog.  Aside from MusicMan and his children, this dog was the treasure of MusicMan's parent's heart.  The dog had horrible arthiritis and moved slowly.  He was resting near my FIL in the yard and someone pulled up into the yard and the dog couldn't get up quick enough to move nor could the driver of the truck see the dog.  It crushed his head.  After several agonizing hours and some support from a friend of theirs and the most caring vet, they opted to have him put down.  So today, their dog is dead and gone.  Emotionally this is just a lot to take.  We have not told our children - who have holiday programs and much to do between now and the end of the week. We will tell them then when they can go to the place that they have burried the dog. My inlaw's neighbors had a back-hoe and they came and dug the hole to bury the dog.

Because we were recently diagnosed with MRSA, we got a phone call from the infectious disease specialist today.  He wanted to go over the precautions and sanitary procedures that we are to do for our entire home, our laundry and especially things that Little Sister is in personal physical contact with.  I just let him talk because I found all of that information on the internet earlier in the week and had already been doing those things. I was totally cool with his textbook call until he tried to make sure that I understood the "seriousness of this bug."  Here's what he said to me, "I don't mean to scare you but another 24 to 48 hours and it would have been in her bloodstream and she likely would have experienced organ failure or could have died so you are very lucky."

Gee, thanks I thought.  I had to almost beg for someone to see her because I was getting passed off and you tell me the worst case scenario.  Instead, I just said, "You're right.  We are lucky that we got treatment when we did" because what I was really thinking is "this is just another thing where I'm dissapointed in medical care and had I depended on the medical care and not insisted on someone listening to me when I did - we'd be in a lot worse shape because some doctors don't know what the hell they're doing."  I thanked him for his call and reassured him that I would look for such spots on every family member's body, including the pet.  I tried to make a joke to MusicMan about us having to check each other's bodies but he is so stressed about his mother/the dead dog and this past week with Little Sister that he failed to see even the tiniest bit of humor in my invitation.  I asked if any of us needed to be cultured as a carrier (they swab up in your nose) or tested and he said no. 

I'm getting a lot of flack about Little Sister returning to school in light of her recent MRSA diagnosis. When we tried to take her today, they made a lot of noise. The Dr keeps telling me that she isn't contagious anymore and the preschool keeps saying that their policy is that she can't come.  They weren't the least bit concerned on Tuesday and Wednesday when she was there and pure puss was draining out of the hole in her leg.  I've had to get a certified medical letter and go round and round and round.  The urgency is that tonight is Little Sister's Christmas program and she really wants to go.  I would understand if she were contagious.  As a parent, I wouldn't want another child putting my child at risk but my child is not contagious anymore. 

So.....I've got a ship with a sail.  I've got enough water from the pouring rain to float that ship.  Now I need enough wind to lift the sail.  This ship is pointed for the horizon where there is sunshine and health and holiday love and family and MRSA that is under control.

Thankful versus Mad

Today I'm thankful. 

I'm also mad.  I'm mad at myself for not trusting my gutt earlier when it spoke to me.  I'm mad with my neighbor who poo pood on me and tried to convince me that it was just a bug bite, I'm mad with the pediatric nurse who discouraged me from insisting that Little Sister needed to be seen by a medical caregiver and I'm mad with the world that I don't know how she got it.

Those conflicting feelings aside -

The infected area looks much better today.  She has only had to have minimal tissue removed and the draining is slowing down.  It appears that her body is responding to the meds and treatment.

I'm resisting the urge to feel guilty because I didn't trust my gutt when my gutt spoke to me - and I'm wondering how that happened because I am always such a stickler for going with my gutt.  How did that happen?

There's a hole in her leg and an area that surrounds it that looks like someone took a big spoon and just scooped out of her leg.  Everything beyond that is mutilated with post infection.  The entire area is about the size of two adult hands. They said that much of that tissue will slough off and some of it will grow back.... but not much.  When I was treating it just a few minutes ago and I wiped around the outer part, layers of skin came off from just wiping.  This is not fun.

I was reliving all this past week in my head and thinking about how sick and nauseous I felt when all that puss and yuck was draining out of her leg and kept thinking about how when I was an active doula, I saw all kinds of body fluids - including blood, urine, amniotic fluid, meconium and even feces come out of laboring and birthing women and it never oncebothered me. Never. And in 1990 about a year before Big Sister was born, The Bouncer had an abdominal abscess from an old appendectomy and his gutt was open for 6 weeks with infection that I had to pack and clean and drain daily.  It was open so much that a child's arm could have been placed in the opening.  It never bothered me to handle that either.

I couldn't figure out the difference until lunch today when my lunch partner said, "Dora, all those things with birthing women were natural occurrences during labors and it wasn't your own child riddled with a dangerous infection."  I guess that's correct. Isn't it good that we can get different perspectives from others to help us see things more clearly and help us grow?  I just know that I've never seen anything as nasty as the fluid coming out of my child's leg and in my life, I will not be upset or feel deprived if I NEVER see such a sight again.

Now my concerns turn to scaring and healing.  I feel deflated today, like the wind is out of my sail.  Can everyone take a deep breath and all blow at the same time?  LOL  My sail is waiting for the wind.

Good News Bad News

The good news is that we're ahead of the game because it has been draining profusely since yesterday.

The bad news is that it is MRSA.

We make it through the next 24 hours and assess again.

Get It Open & Get It All Out

Warning:  This post is not for the faint of heart or stomach.

Monday morning, Little Sister complained about her leg hurting.  She kept saying something was sticking in her pants but I couldn't find anything in there and hurried her on out the door to school.  Monday afternoon when she came in the door from school after lunch, she was still complaining about her leg hurting. She removed her pants and there on her right buttock was a red hot spot about the size of a dime.  I smoothed my hand over it gently and it felt feverish.  I asked her if something bit her and she began on some elaborate imaginary tale about a "herd of ants getting her while she slept." I dismissed it and told her something probably bit her and it would be ok in the morning. 

I was out of the house Monday evening for business and MusicMan bathed the kids.  I hadn't mentioned the spot to him because I hadn't considered it a big deal. Evidently, when she was removing her clothes that evening for a shower, he saw it and figured it to be a small pimple.  He somehow convinced her to allow him to mash it to get the head out.  Bless MusicMan's heart....for when I returned home about 9 PM, Little Sister was crying in the bedroom and MusicMan was fretting over the spot which had now grown larger than a quarter. I took another look at it and suggested that we put a hot rag on it. She was going to have NOTHING to do with anyone getting within 10 feet of that spot - and I couldn't say that I blamed her.  It took me a little while to convince her that a warm cloth would actually feel good on it and make the boo boo feel better.  Ten minutes of a warm cloth and re heating the warm cloth later - I couldn't figure out if it was bigger and more red because it had been squeezed or if it was really growing.  It still felt feverish and it was painful to the touch.  I called our neighbor who is a PA for the local dermatologist and she took a look at it and said it was probably a bug bite and it would be gone by morning. I was not convinced but silently vowed that I'd proceed further the next day if it got bigger.

Tuesday morning when I looked at it, it had grown only a little in size but the color was dark red and almost purple. Was that dark color something to worry about or was that a bruise from the squishing the night before?  I didn't know.  What should I do?  She begged to go to school despite the fact that she was walking funny and favoring that right leg.  I let her go because I couldn't make a definitive decision not to.

During an afternoon nap, before she returned home from PreK, I dreamnt about MRSA and that it ate her leg away. That obviously didn't set well with me and now I was fighting fear. By the time she got home, I was mentally struggling to stay brain balanced and not let my bad dream cloud my judgment and thinking.  I googled staph and boil and carbuncle and anything else that I could see to read.  It wasn't weeping and MRSA weeps.  It looked more like a boil. 

She was weepy and irritable when she came home and rightfully so.  It had grown to the size of her palm.  She said it hurt to stand.  I took a look at it and there was no streaking (indicating infection of bloodstream and spreading) but it was very hot to the touch and it hurt me to look at it.  I talked with the nurse at the pediatrician's office and she said that from my description, it was probably staph and that I could either take her to immediate med (Dr's had no appts for the rest of the day) or the ER where she was sure they would lance it and drain it.

I thought to myself, "I don't think so!"  I'm not going to traumatize her with that kind of experience unless it's necessary. The experience of having her forehead glued back together was still fresh in my mind and how I was sure that I would never miss being in an ER with her again.  I asked if it would help it if I continued the hot compresses and watched it for another 24 hours.  She said it would probably be ok.

We continued the hot compresses every 30 minutes all evening and again on Wednesday morning.  I put a large band aid over it. The swelling was worse.  It looked as if someone had sliced a plum in half and stuck it to her leg and squished it out to the diameter of 5 to 7 inches. It covered a good portion of her thigh. I tried to convince her that she needed to stay home so I could watch it and keep the hot rag on it.  She screamed and cried as if she were being tortured because she was convinced that if she didn't go to school, she would miss her Christmas program that they had been practicing for since Labor Day.  I negotiated that she could go if she could get her panties on over her thigh and get a pair of pants on without it hurting too much.  That child must have really wanted to go because she grimaced while getting dressed and toughed it out all the way to school.

When she returned home from school that afternoon, the swelling and color were worse.  It was almost black around the area.  She asked for the hot rag immediately when coming in the door.  I put the rag on it and was trying to decide who to take her to to have it looked at when she called me to say that it was "bleeding."  When I looked at it, the hole had opened up and puss was coming out of it faster than I could wipe it up.  She was screaming, I was feeling sick to my stomach from the smell and my brain was spinning trying to figure out if this was a good thing or something to cause more worry.  When I felt the skin around the hole to feel for hardness or fever, it drained more.

Long story with less gore, for the entire evening last night, we kept hot compresses on what I was now sure was a boil.  We didn't apply any pressure, just the hot compress.  I tried to convince her that since it was now open, that pressing on it would help all those bad germs to get out and once they got out, her leg would feel better.  I could only imagine how bad that darn thing must hurt just from the pressure, not to mention the infection.  We drained a good bit from it before bed and it continued to drain while she slept.  The gauze was soaked this morning with more of that nasty stuff.

This morning, when she awoke, she was begging for the hot compress again.  I kept it on there for a few minutes and reminded her that when that puss comes out it will feel better.  I left her on the couch while I was trying to get some things ready. 

All of a sudden, I heard her screaming in what sounded like pain.  I ran into the den to find her there on the couch with about a tablespoon (no, I'm not exaggerating) of puss squirted out on her thigh and dripping down he side of her leg. I quickly grabbed the washcloth from her (which had now cooled to room temperature) and wiped it up.  She screamed more from me just touching her skin.  When I wiped, more of that nasty shit squirted out.  I assumed that this was what was known as "draining" and it was coming out quicker than we could get it wiped up.  This continued on for about 2 minutes and I finally pressed on the thigh and ...uh...I thought I was going to vomit from the sight and the smell.  I wiped it up and called for MusicMan to come quick.  When he turned the corner into the den, I thought he was going to be sick too.

I put another hot compress on it and held her while promising that we wouldn't touch it anymore for a while.  About fifteen minutes passed and the amount coming out was minimal.  She wanted to go to school. She said it felt better. (today was the first of her programs) and I put a huge gauze pad on it and a large band aid to cover that and she went to school today.

She was asleep when she got home from school and MusicMan put her straight to bed.  There is no leakage on her pants that I could see.  She'll be awake in a few minutes and I'll check it again.  I don't know how long it takes for a boil to drain but I've learned that this isn't a pleasant task and it appears to be one of the most painful things that she has experienced.  At least when they glued her face back together, the skin had been deadened. 

The name of the game is to get it open with heat and then get all the infection out. I hope this clears up soon.  I'm supposed to be out of town this coming weekend and I don't want to leave her like this.

On another note relating to get it open and get it out.  I learned this morning that a colleague of mine was diagnosed with a mass on her spine over the Thanksgiving holiday.  It is malignant.  She's been having severe back pain for a few weeks and the mass is quite large.  Her appt is today with the neurosurgeon to schedule when it is coming out.  It will be before Christmas.  She is young with small kids.

Somehow, that boil doesn't seem so bad now that we've gotten it open and are getting that stuff out.

Tree Decorating 102

If tree decorating is just too much for you to handle, you can always do what my favorite neighbor did and go to a fundraiser where they have a festival of trees and bid on a tree and then win it and bring it home already done.

The recently won these two trees.

 

The fundraiser was trees that had a movie theme.  This tree above is Polar Bear Express.  This tree stands about 3 feet and the train set came with it. 

The next tree was themed the Sound of Mu$iC. (No, it wasn't spelled like that.  I did that to prevent everyone and their brother coming here from google.)

  

So it had musical instruments all over it and some realy cute themed ornaments like these:

 

 

And here's a close up of the top of the tree...with it's feathers and berries and such.

 

Which one is your favorite? 

Tree Decorating 101

Realize ahead of time that because you have a four year old and a six year old that want to help, that you are going to have to do some strong mental preparation.

While they are are school and pre-school, assemble the tree itself.  Make sure that all the lights are working and that the tree is in the position that it will be for decorating. When they get home, you will be ready to decorate.  To them, decorating is actually putting the ornaments on the tree.  It's your task to do all the ground work in preparation for actually ornament hanging.  Get over it.

Relax.

Lay out all the ornaments. Remove any ornaments that you absolutely do not want them to touch.  Hang them on the top 1/3 of the tree where they will be out of reach.  Option 2 would be to put them to the side and wait until the ornaments are going up and you put them on the top 2/3 of the tree.  The top 2/3 is a critical space for parent's ornaments.

Relax. Take a deep breath and close your eyes.

As a mother, resist the urge to become a tearly ball of emotions as you unpack all the ornaments from the past 22 years.  It's productive to remember the holidays and how your kids grew and the special memories of those holidays as long as you keep it in perspective and don't break apart. Do NOT focus on what didn't go right or what you lost.  Focus on what you have and what you are thankful for. Think about those that are no longer with you with gratitude, not loneliness. Your bank account balance, your current job situation and your time of the month do not "control" your tree decorating festivities.....unless you let them.  Don't let them.  Did you hear me? Don't let them. These things are adult things and are not (or shouldn't be) part of your children's memories of decorating this tree. Keep those worries where they belong.....outside for just this brief period of time.

When kids come home from school, make sure they have a snack and finish their homework and go potty.  Since they wash their hands after the bathroom visit, you are ready to proceed with putting the ornaments on the tree.  You will have saved yourself a mental meltdown IF you went over some ground rules while you were having that snack.  In our house, we call those rules "success rules." Success rules could include: only hanging one ornament at a time,  being able to place at least one hand in between the ornament that you are hanging and the ornament right next to it,  having to hang the ornament hook or loop of ribbon at least 2 fingers back from the tip of the branch (so the ornaments don't fall off and break) and making sure that each branch has at least 1 to 2 ornaments on each branch so the branch will not be lonely. And perhaps most of all - this is something that we all do together and it is NOT a contest to see who can do it the fastest.  Resist the urge to allow your kids to argue about who can hang the ornaments the "best" or who has hung more than the other.

Relax.

Realize that these are some memory making times and in the whole scheme of things, it matters not that the tree doesn't look like something out of a decorators magazine or that there are 4 ornaments on this branch but only one on the next one.  What matters is that you made some memories with your children who still see this holiday (and all of it's preparations and glory) through the eyes of a four and a six year old and they will remember how you behaved. When they are grown and out of the house, you can have your decorator tree.  My guess is that you will not want it then, you'll be pining for having all your kids young again and the opportunity to have them decorate the tree with you.  Make the memories good ones now so that you'll have something to cherish later on.

When the kids go to bed, you can rearrange anything that is really bothering you...but there is something precious about a tree filled with 22 years of ornaments from each child's holiday and something even more precious about you decorating that tree all together and laughing and having a good time.

Relax, you're done.  Next is how to survive putting up the exterior wreaths. 

Get the bottle of wine :)

I Feel So Special

In the past 3 days, I have been contacted by President Bill Clinton, Former US Senator Max Cleland and just yesterday by the President Elect, Barack Obama.

They all want what I want - for people to vote for Jim Martin for US Senate in Georgia.

I feel so special to have recieved phone calls from all of them. 

Now go vote if you live in Georgia.  Many parts of the world are watching us.