When my FIL asked me to model the items for him, I told him no and to get out. That's probably the first time in my life that I remember standing up for myself against someone of authority and saying what I wanted. There were words exchanged and labels issued but I just said no.
I remained in the bedroom for the rest of the evening until The Bouncer came home and it took him a little while to get me to talk about what had happened. His parents had left for their weekend away.
I extend a heartfelt appreciation to those who have expressed concern over whether writing all this out or traveling back to these emotional situations is too difficult for me. I also have to take into consideration that one of my daughters is reading what I am writing. So I want to take the opportunity to clarify a few things.
I spent over 18 years in therapy to get "ok" with my life, the choices that I've made, the hand that I was dealt. I am ok with my self. I learned valuable lessons from the choices, both good and bad, that I made. While these editions seem to focus on what I did or experienced (or in some cases to come - lost) with The Bouncer - I ultimately choose forgiveness towards him and I do not regret being with The Bouncer. I do not even regret anymore that I stayed with him for those 13 years. What I do focus on (outside of these stories) is the wonderful awareness that our time together gave me two of the people that I value most in my life. When those girls were conceived, they were conceived with the expectation that all was right with our relationships and that we loved each other. Sure, one was unplanned but certainly not unwanted. They still were conceived in love.
Some of the things I have shared have not crossed my mind for many years and it's only been in the looking back and remembering that I have had those memories come to the surface. I know that I loved The Bouncer beyond words when I married him. I loved him beyond comprehension as well for I was not mature enough to know what would come ahead of me and how to listen to my own inner voice and value that voice.
The years that I spent with the Bouncer had great days, great sex, much love and much testing of that love. We each grew up - one of us more than the other. All throughout the good times and especially the bad, I kept saying that I could just give a little more and make up for the difference in the gap. That plan of action only works when you are not the only one giving. It didn't take long before the love was not be enough to be what our marriage would weather.
I have already spoken to my daughter about reading this blog. With knowledge comes responsibility and one of those responsibilities is to not let someone else's experience with life tarnish what love and relationship you have with someone. I do not need my children or anyone else for that matter to fight a battle that is long been over. I know that The Bouncer loves his children - but I have often questioned how he thinks that the ways that he chooses to show it are supposed to communicate that love. I also know that underneath all of the hate and the abuse that eventually found it's way into our marriage - there is some small shred of human decency left in him. It seems to be buried deeper at times but when I let go of him - the entrapment no longer had any power over me.
So - I'll take a few days off from the next part. Mostly because I have a full schedule and these events need my full attention. When I feel the words come back up within me, I will continue to write. I'm not disturbed by reliving these events although I can still feel some of the emotions that I felt during these times in my life. I certainly am not writing the series to elicit sympathy or present myself in the victim mentality - although some of the stuff that occurred wasn't nice for or to me. I chose to stay. I chose to not fight back at first. I chose to allow some such behaviors that were awful. Perhaps if I had been raised by a more emotionally healthy mother and father that could have been different but my life is what it is and contains such as it does and I when I look back on my history - I CHOOSE to be grateful for the experiences because the collection of all of those experiences are what makes me who I am today.
It's the who I am today that I am comfortable with. It's who I love. It's who I continue to reflect upon in the attitude of enlightenment and improvement. The journey continues....and so will the series.