Today I spent the better part of the day with my BFSK (best friend since kindergarten) and tonight I just need to write something.
Hospice is an amazing ministry and service and refuge and sanctuary. She is safe there. She is without pain there. She is at peace there. She will die there. I will love her for a few more days there and then I will love her forever in my heart.
I am thankful that I was able to show her my love through bathing her, feeding her and laughing and crying with her. I am thankful that she asked for me and that her Dr talked openly and honestly with me. Information is a soother for me and brings me comfort.
There was no need for words during some of those moments. I just looked her in the eye and she back to me and that was all we needed. Years flushed before me and at times it was so overwhelming that I just hung my head in my hands and sobbed. There was no need to pretend or to hide. It was raw but so real at the same time. She cried too. Then we would think of something funny and we'd be laughing so hard that we couldn't breathe. She wanted to talk about her funeral. At one point, she was disoriented and was convinced she had won the lottery and wanted me to make a list of all the things she wants to do with her money. The next minute she was recalling something that we did 7 years ago like it was yesterday. What a precious gift.
To Big Sister who was there for a few hours with me - I love you and appreciate that you came to see her but most of all to hold my hand while I cried and laughed. Thirty seven years of memories is a lot to handle with these circumstances. Thank you for bearing witness to the bond that I have with her and for validating that while this whole ordeal sucks and hurts - it also carries an enormous amount of blessings and reconciliation. I will forever hold in my heart that you came and cried with me. I love you.
Please remember that when we struggle with some of life's biggest challenges, we learn things about ourselves and about others and those things help us to grow. We pass them on and pay them forward. Never forget that love can take many forms, but pure love is not selfish, nor does it place any limitations - only freedom. Death is the greatest freedom that we will ever experience.
Please also remember that you have within you to soar. Let today and her life be a reminder that time is precious and that when all is said and done - love is all we need and really all we have. Love yourself. Choose well. Choose love. Make today count.
Lord, I ask your mercy on us all. Let the river run swiftly and bless those who care for her and tend to her needs. Keep us all mindful of the many and various ways that she has blessed our lives. Please do not let her die alone.