Since November, I've been in a funk of sorts, a depression of fog that has not been fun.
I've hinted and even fully disclosed some of the things that have been a noose around my neck and I'm thankful that I've got some friends who have offered good wishes and hugs and support.
The medical profession says I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. My shrink says I am clinically depressed brought on by grieving the escalating terminal illness of my lifelong friend, my neighbor says I'm over stressed from all the responsibilities, my kids probably think I'm just mean and bitchy, my pastor suggested that I'm on a spiritual journey of self discovery and a deepening relationship with my creator, and MusicMan says that I'm hormonal and tired (but recognizes the validity of all the other observations/diagnosis in this paragraph).
What ever the reason......I wanted out. I still want out. I feel closer to the edge....not the edge of disaster but the edge of the fog. Sometimes my mind won't shut down. Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes I want tonot eat. Sometimes I want to go out and conquer the world. Sometimes I just sit and cry because I'm caught on a roller coaster of self pity/loathing and then on a mission to make things happen. I mean, if you just sit in self pity, it only gets worse. If you focus on what you can make happen and get moving, then you can build momentum. I want my momentum to be moving in the right direction. I want an upward spiral....not a downward one. I just needed a bit of help to get that first foot forward. The second was easier and by the time the fifth one came, I had a bit of momentum.
My personal business is back on track. If there's been any saving grace during this past quarter, it's that I've got a very loyal client base that loves to continue to do business with me and a prospect list that keeps on giving. I've got an ever increasing filled calendar and I've got some medication to help me keep my head above water. I've also got a loving husband who is patient while I find my way out of this funk.
I've also got a more clear picture since the fog is lifting. And any improvement is just that - improvement.