I say what I'm about to say not as an authoritarian who knows what is best for you or has all the problems in her own life solved...but as someone who understands what it is like to be gripped and strangled by hatred and resentment towards one's self disguised as hatred and resentment towards others.
The past 90 days have been such a transition for me and I am being transformed even as we breathe today. So are you.
The question is "what" are we being transformed into? Someone who is bathed in the grace of God or someone who is in the grips of resentment and self righteousness?
You say/write/believe that you are not still connected to the people that have betrayed you, that they don't have any control over you, that you don't care what they do and yet - you are quick to point out all the ways that they have failed with their life and the choices that they make.
You have a love hate relationship with your children...you love them but you hate their behavior and how they have not lived up to your expectations of their lives. You so desperately desire a close and healthy relationship with them but you are so wrapped in the hurt that you experience in that relationship with them that when they reach out in their own way towards you - they are blocked or turned away.
You recall former experiences with people/employers whom you abhor and the horrible treatment experienced and how happy you are to be rid of that - yet you are still enthralled within it'sgrips by the resentment that you are propagating in your spirit. You feed it like an addiction that you can't stop.
What are you being transformed into? What direction are you moving?
Is it possible that you spend so much energy focusing on others because it is too painful to focus on yourself and your past failures, mistakes and the ways that you have hurt others/self?
Having walked in these ill fitting shoes recently, I am painfully aware of how (over time) we can allow ourselves to be consumed by poison. We can't see it because it's just seeping slowly through our veins and then it's all in us before we know it. It's in everything and it's robbing us of joy and most of all - peace.
Instead of living a life that we enjoy, we are confined to catching glimpses of what we once had or what we strongly desire. We hand over our lives to "what if" and "if only so and so would do such and such" and we no longer experience living in the here and now with an ability to recognize how we actually do have some form of control over who we are and where we are going. True joy/peace/grace can't get to us because there's too much "noise" blocking the good things.
I beg you to find a way to change direction. You deserve so much more than what you are breeding in your soul. The list of enemies that you have battled is long but the biggest one still remains and that is your self. You have people who are willing to risk being with you and loving you as you navigate this transition and stage in your life. There are people who are waiting to come into your life and bless you. They can't get to you because you are blocking them with your baggage and your noise.
As difficult as it is, look at yourself and take an honest look at your self. Grapple with the disappointments and really be real with who and what you are. This place is not pleasant....it's a mire of filth and failure and death to many beliefs, people and things.
The good news is that as you emerge from this place of sludge, and you CAN emerge, you can choose to leave behind the filth and poison and noise. You can emerge with a cleaner spirit and make room for the light that is waiting for you.
Aren't you tired of the dark? I know I am. Won't you come forward with me into the light?
The Wise One