Today I'm thankful.
I'm also mad. I'm mad at myself for not trusting my gutt earlier when it spoke to me. I'm mad with my neighbor who poo pood on me and tried to convince me that it was just a bug bite, I'm mad with the pediatric nurse who discouraged me from insisting that Little Sister needed to be seen by a medical caregiver and I'm mad with the world that I don't know how she got it.
Those conflicting feelings aside -
The infected area looks much better today. She has only had to have minimal tissue removed and the draining is slowing down. It appears that her body is responding to the meds and treatment.
I'm resisting the urge to feel guilty because I didn't trust my gutt when my gutt spoke to me - and I'm wondering how that happened because I am always such a stickler for going with my gutt. How did that happen?
There's a hole in her leg and an area that surrounds it that looks like someone took a big spoon and just scooped out of her leg. Everything beyond that is mutilated with post infection. The entire area is about the size of two adult hands. They said that much of that tissue will slough off and some of it will grow back.... but not much. When I was treating it just a few minutes ago and I wiped around the outer part, layers of skin came off from just wiping. This is not fun.
I was reliving all this past week in my head and thinking about how sick and nauseous I felt when all that puss and yuck was draining out of her leg and kept thinking about how when I was an active doula, I saw all kinds of body fluids - including blood, urine, amniotic fluid, meconium and even feces come out of laboring and birthing women and it never oncebothered me. Never. And in 1990 about a year before Big Sister was born, The Bouncer had an abdominal abscess from an old appendectomy and his gutt was open for 6 weeks with infection that I had to pack and clean and drain daily. It was open so much that a child's arm could have been placed in the opening. It never bothered me to handle that either.
I couldn't figure out the difference until lunch today when my lunch partner said, "Dora, all those things with birthing women were natural occurrences during labors and it wasn't your own child riddled with a dangerous infection." I guess that's correct. Isn't it good that we can get different perspectives from others to help us see things more clearly and help us grow? I just know that I've never seen anything as nasty as the fluid coming out of my child's leg and in my life, I will not be upset or feel deprived if I NEVER see such a sight again.
Now my concerns turn to scaring and healing. I feel deflated today, like the wind is out of my sail. Can everyone take a deep breath and all blow at the same time? LOL My sail is waiting for the wind.