and sometimes...I wish I had more control over the drummer, ya know?
I managed to fall asleep sometime after the weather but before sports ::yawn:: and then was wide awake about an hour ago at 4:20 am. I'm not one to just stay put in bed awake (unless I have something to keep me occupied) and so in my restlessness, I had to get up and leave a quiet and still bed for MusicMan.
For some reason, I've been thinking of my late sister the past few days. I'm not sure what has brought on the range of emotions but I'm finding her on my mind almost constantly - and it's coming from all kinds of directions. The staggering thought hit me yesterday as I realized that the age that biggest sister is now.....my sister was already dead and gone. That was sobering and a bit overwhelming. Big Brother, without prompting, has asked a lot of questions about her this past week. What did she look like? How old would she be if she were still alive? And then there's the questions about how she died and when will she come back? I think he gets that she won't come back but he can't quite grasp that she was the same age as his biggest sister when she died. He thinks that only old people die.
The thoughts and emotions haven't been saddening - just longing. When I think of her, no matter where the thought process starts, I always wind right back up in the same place thought wise. I wonder what her kids would be like and I wonder if we would be close after all this time. I wonder this because we were never close in our childhood until the day before she died and everything seemed to fall into place - what a gift that was. And if this seems selfish, then I'll claim it, but I always wish she were still alive to see my children....my life.....how happy I am and what I've been able to turn myself into after my divorce and how I absolutely adore the man that I'm married to and how much I love having the children that I do - no matter where they live or how they are living. I wish she were here to see my professional accomplishments and how satisfying it has been for me to grow a business helping other women to be all they can be -whatever that means for them.
I imagine that we would talk on the phone about our kids....what accomplishments they are experiencing as well as what challenges they are facing. I imagine that her kids would have red, ringlet curly hair (because her husband had red hair and she had ringlet hair that fell in circles). I picture this sometimes when I'm combing out Little Sister's hair because even while her hair is blond - it falls in the soft ringlets just like my sister's hair did and I gather that gift to my soul and connect it there with her memory. I imagine that we would all continue to argue and discuss things....but in a more mature way than we did when we all argued as teenagers and young girls. Not without the passion, mind you, but without the caddy, immature behavior of young girls. I have to imagine all this - because we will never know that reality. Never.
And then I pause on the question of why I don't have that with my living sister. We have such a tenuous relationship that I really thought would ease up over time with her maturity and my forgiveness but it just hasn't happened. I grieve for the effort that I feel like I've put into rebuilding that but it never was returned and I've had to just let it go. I'm relatively sure that she feels like she has put something into it to - but it never materializes into something constructive or purposeful. We are just two people who share the same parents. That's sad and it just is. She isn't emotionally available to me and I have to accept that. I don't necessarily feel rejected. I just feel like I watch her life from the sidelinesand wish we were closer. No matter what kind of advances or inquiries I make into her life or offer - they don't' seem to connect. I wish she could answer the question that I have asked several times to her - 'what can I give you? how can I make our relationship better?' Her answers and actions always appear to be the the same..."I don't know"...and perhaps it doesn't matter. I wish it did.
And so time marches on...and I continue to ponder life's givings and takings and how they have molded and touched our lives. I do wonder though, if my late sister is somewhere seeing us....sometimes I think I feel her presence...but I question if that is really her, an energy, or wishful thinking. When I'm faced with a fork in the road and I'm sitting in the still quiet of my life trying to open myself for the answer to appear - her memory is every present. Isn't that amazing? What does that say about me? What does that say about her?
It's been almost 18 years since her death on that Monday morning of Holy Week. Her oldest would be 17 years old. She would be turning 40 this year. My children would have known her. She would have loved them. They would have loved her. I still do. I hope she knows.