I opened the lid to the beautiful bridal package to find a very elegant pair of white shiny silk stockings and a white lacy garter belt attached to a pink/white corset covered with lace. I had never touched anything like that in my life. It was beautiful sure, but I had not ever learned to appreciate finer lingerie like that. The lace was exquisite but I certainly didn't know how to get those damn garters hooked on those stockings. I was trying to figure out how in the world I was going to make this work without disappointing him. He told me that I could go in the bathroom and get dressed and then come out when I was ready where he would be waiting for me. I must have stayed in that bathroom 15 minutes trying to figure those damn garter hooks out and how to hook the 50 hooks on the corset with not much luck. He was getting
worried impatient because he finally asked if I was ok. I spoke through the door and felt myself start to cry. He finally asked me what was wrong and I confessed that I couldn't make it all work.
He opened the door, gently took my hand that held those beautiful bridal garments and pulled me forward towards the bed.
I began to cry because I was so embarrassed that I couldn't do what I thought he wanted. This was our wedding night and while he wasn't waiting to deflower me and help himself to my virginity, I did want this night to be what fairy tales were made of. He dressed me in those pieces almost with his eyes closed. His hands were so gentle and arousing and I recall how erotic his tender actions and touches made me feel. Part of me felt uneasy though and I brushed it off to not ever having worn something like that. I figured I might as well get used to new things and trying to do what would make him happy - and he certainly was happy when I was wearing those gifts. He had never made love to me like he did that night. Looking back, I realize it was a raw, animalistic kind of ravaging. The way he ran his hands across the silk and the lace and twisted the elastic of the garter beween his fingers and the way that he dig his teeth into my neck were erotic and arousing all at the same time that they were a bit alarming. I dismissed it as him just being so excited that I was finally his wife. I wanted it to be about how much desire he had for me and how much he wanted me. I didn't want it to be about that little voice deep within me that said, "hey...what is it that your gutt is telling you?" I eventually begged him to stop because I couldn't take any more. I rdecided that I had discovered his passion and how much he enjoyed lacy things. I would use that to try and make him happy.
Sleep came easy and I awoke the next morning to the touch of his hands tracing the lace along the edge of the part of my breast that was spilling out. We might have made love again but what I remember most about that morning was waking up to him and then the breakfast..... OMG, it was the most delicious room service breakfast. I was still wearing the stockings along with the garter and corset and I remember him sitting there watching me feast on scrambled eggs, whole wheat toast and fresh berries and cantaloupe. I remember those tiny jars of one serving, black labeled Dickinson's preserves and how good they tasted on that warm lightly toasted bread. He kept saying that he couldn't keep his eyes off of me and that he'd like to have me for breakfast and I was thinking to myself that I was just going to have to get used to wearing "that kind of stuff" if it made him happy because that was my new role - to make him happy.
The days turned to weeks and we celebrated our first Christmas together. Both our families were seeming to calm down a bit and I was beginning to form a baby bump. I felt my baby move at about 15 or 16 weeks. I remember we were at his friend's house where our baby was most likely conceived and I felt a flutter. I wasn't sure that was what it was and then I felt it again. I knew it and it made my soul sing. It was from that day on that I became emotionally tied to that baby inside of me and spoke to it and sang to it and loved it more deeply every single day. I finally had something to love, made in love that would love me in return. I was going to be the mother that my mother had never been to me.
The new year started and I started back to school. Those first few weeks were wonderful. I was a happily married young woman who stayed on top of all her school work and felt like she was on top of the world. We probably made love as often as we wanted and where we wanted. I was so sure that this was all going to work and my parents had been so mistaken to warn me off marrying The Bouncer. Sometime before the end of January, for reasons that I wasn't sure of at the time, we lost our lease to the apartment and The Bouncer announced that we were going to be moving in with his parents for a few weeks until we could get another place. I was so much in love and wanted to believe that he was my knight in shining armor that I never questioned anything. Those choices would bring many different unpleasant consequences and set a precedence that was not nurturing to me personally or emotionally.
I remember standing in our apartment while being instructed to pack as quick as I could. This wasn't turning out like it was supposed to be. We packed the boxes into his father's pick up truck and I watched as he closed the door to what was supposed to be the place we were going to make into our home and where we would bring our newborn home to.