With the recent tragic events that have taken place among our blog circle with Karla & Mark and their baby Ava, and the question that Christi asked on Raindrop's blog about what to do now - I feel moved to share the following:
Just wanted to encourage you to keep talking about your pregnancy and pending birth on your blog.
Karla needs time to grieve - and she will do that no matter if you talk about your pregnancy or not. You can hurt with her; however, you aren't responsible for her grief because that is a road that only she can walk and shoes that only she can wear.
When you mentioned that you feel guilty about still being prego - that is normal too. You have something that she wants and right now, will not be able to have. You sound like you have a tremendous amount of empathy and I admire that. It is so difficult to know that those we love are hurting and not be able to do anything about it.
Certainly not to sound cold, callus or unfeeling ---but you still have a job to do and so does Karla. Your job is to celebrate YOUR pregnancy and the life that is growing inside you. Your job is to take care of yourself with the expectation that all is well and will be well. Statistically - you have a much larger chance that it will go well than not. You can still continue to honor Ava's memory and influence that her short life has had on all of us - but take it for what it is - part of the cycle. My guess is that a while will go by and perhaps Karla will read, perhaps not......but what a blessing your blog can be for her when she does. She will be able to see that life does go on, that babies do live, that hearts are healthy and in time - she will be able to turn her face to the sun and move ahead. She will.
This process will come whether you talk about your pregnancy or not and think of all the opportunities that you will miss by being silent about your pregnancy. There may be people (and there probably are many) who need to be blessed by your talking and sharing about your baby, blessings, and life.
Pray for Karla & her family, hurt along with them but don't feel guilty or responsible for what Karla and Mark have to do. Your pregnancy and birth and the blessings it will bring will be waiting for Karla when she is ready.
I wish you a beautiful, gentle and loving birth.
Now go get 'em, girl!
Wash Lady
Our natural tendencies are to try and "remove the pain" from those who are grieving. It is our human nature to try and do that; however, the bottom line is that we can not do that. We must not do that. Why? Because when we try to circumvent the process of grief, we shortchange, screw up, but most of all prevent the necessary path that the grieving person needs to take. Karla and her family have work to do. So do we. That is not to make light of their grief but just to say that if we don't allow them to do their grief work then we are not supporting them in the best emotionally healthy way.
So that begs the question: How CAN we support them?
We can continue to send emails, cards, little notes to them. Many of us released balloons - all over the world. Let them know that you are thinking of them. Most importantaly, pray for them. Pray for Grace and strength to face whatever the moments bring. Pray for them to feel the support and love of those who care for them. If you feel moved to write about them on your blog, then do so. Don't hide from your thoughts and feelings. It will support them to face theirs. When they are ready - they will join us again. They will offer thanks.
There are things that hurt to hear.....please don't say them. Don't say it was "God's Will" that this happen or that she can have another baby. Do we all really think that we worship a God that sits in heaven with a zapper and a ruler and said last week, "well, I think today that I'll have little Ava die and crush the soul of her family and friends" ? I don't. And even though Karla may be physically able to have another child one day - and that baby will bring a tremendous amount of healing and joy to that family - it will never be able to replace the emptiness that this set of events leaves with them.......so don't point out to her that she can have another baby.
Insead, please say things like: We love you, we are hurting with you. We are thinking of you during this time. May I __________________ ?(fill in the blank with something that you would like to do for them - it could be bring a meal, clean a toilet, vacuum a floor, cut some grass, anything that you observe that needs to be done.) Sometimes, just sitting with a person who is grieving and not saying any words is a tremendous comfort. Packing away the contents of the nursery is part of the grieving process - it needn't be rushed. It won't make the pain go away any quicker.
Don't be afraid to talk about Ava - to say or write her name. Keeping the words off of your lips will not make the pain go away. Having other people acknowledge Ava and her precious (but brief) existance will validate the feelings of loss that the family feels and actually help facilitate the grieving process.
Most of all - remember that there isn't a "Grief Handbook: 101 Ways to Do it Right" and everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Its a scar that forms on the soul and some days it is very raw and open and other days it is healed over but that healing takes time. And the time Will Come. Just not as quick as they (or we) want it to.
We need to continue to celebrate and write about our lives, our thoughts and feelings, and whatever else inspires us about our lives. When Karla is ready - she will join us. She needs to see that we honor Ava, her, her family and ourselves by continuing on to pave the path that she will walk when she is ready.
Share your hand, share your heart, share your prayers.....for the days and weeks ahead of her are treacherous and sorrowful....but we can be waiting in the wings to help her when she is ready.
Peace to you all during this time.
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