Life's Laundry

One Important Fact

11:00 am     Hair Updo

1:00 pm          Lunch

2:15 pm           Makeup

2:50 pm           Get Dress On

3:00 pm 3:15    Date Arrive

3:05 pm  3:25   Take Pictures

3:30 pm           Calm nerves, check hems, tie, hair, lipstick.  All ok.  Go over expectations for evening, where, when, why, how and what.  Encourage young people to have a rip roaring good time.  Get everything into car.

3:31 pm           Take a deep breath and sniffle in my soul.  Remember her first day of school, her first dance, my senior prom.......memories.

Settle on one important fact:   I'm a proud moma..........of a beautiful daughter whose senior prom is tonight.

Beware! Loser At Large

Dealing with my X*Husband is really difficult for me. It took me literally, over 5 years of therapy to learn how to set boundaries and emotionally elevate myself enough to file for divorce.  I recognize that every time I have to deal with him, especially on money issues, it stirs up all those old unhealthy and familiar feelings of inadequacy and shame - it makes it even more difficult because I have to deal with the issues at hand as well as my own personal demons.

I wrote a few weeks ago about Having The Upper Hand but not really knowing what to do with it.  I just want to run away except that I can't.  Our home and more importantly, our daughters depend on me to keep their father to task.  I wish I could just write him off and support the girls without any financial contribution from him.  I wish I could - but short of me putting J&K in daycare and leaving my family for 10 hours a day, I don't see how its possible.  I just hate the negative energy & influence that this man has in our lives.

.

Following is the email that I've taken the past week to come up with.  It normally doesn't take me that long to write emails but I had to research all the figures and wait for the subpoena to be answered.  I tried to be matter of fact without being inflammatory but I really can't decide if I met my goal or not.  Was I too lenient?  Am I being too nice?  Was I nice enough?  Should I tell him to F-off and let the court take care of him?  I'd appreciate your feedback if you are so inclined.

Dear Looser, (no, I didn't type that but it makes me feel better to write it now)

There are several important points to this email.

1)  I have sent a blind carbon copy of this email to my attorney so there is record with them of my communication with you and attempts to work this out without having to attend court and acquire any more court cost for you or me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

2) I have requested (and been approved) to move the court date to June 6, 2005.  I am doing this because I am trying to provide you an opportunity to get caught up on the money that you owe me and to find employment.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

3)  The amount that you owe comes to $4700.00  This amount is up to date as of May 1, 2005 and will increase as the month passes and more medical bills are paid for the girls.

Following is the breakdown:

You are $1255.00 in arrears with the $475 that you, yourself,  are supposed to send each month.

There were no checks from your employer in the month of April and that comes to $825.00

The amount that you owe me from the orthodontic insurance checks that you stole cashed comes to $1300.00  (I inserted the stole in this post for my own therapeutic benefits)

Since the court date in December 2003, when the court ordered you to pay one half of the medical bills of the girls, we have paid out $2640.00.  One half of that amount comes to $1320.00

This medical amount does not include extraction of wisdom teeth for either of the girls (I am waiting to hear if this is covered under general medical insurance since it is surgery related and will have both of them done in May)

$  1255.00

$    825.00

$  1300.00

$  1320.00

$  4700.00   Total

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

4)  My attorney contacted your insurance company to subpoena the dental insurance records.  They denied sending them unless we have a federal subpoena since we are in different states and HIPPA regulates that information.  In their response, they quoted their fees to research cases and they are as follows:  $150.00/year to prepare a report (the orthodontist treatment covered 3 years - the end of 2003, all of 2004 & up to date in 2005 so that part comes to $450 just to prepare the report).  They additionally charge $5 for EACH copy of an EOB or check stub (this would be at LEAST 21 check stubs) and $30/hour (minimum 3 hours, possibly more) to research medical records and activity on an account.

Here is what will happen if we have to take the orthodontic amount that you owe me to court.

• The Judge will order the federal subpoena. (I have an affidavit from the orthodontist that your insurance company is involved in sending you reimbursement checks on M's account)
• I will seek damages for not only the amount that you cashed each month over the entire term, but I will seek interest on that amount as well.
• I will seek that you have to pay all fees related to discovery with the insurance company (minimum of $660)
• I will seek that you pay one half of the rest of the amount that my husband & I paid towards M's braces and orthodontic treatment ($750 your cost)

My attorney assures me that since you were cashing checks and depositing money that did not belong to you and that since I have 3 emails where I inquired to you if you had heard from the insurance company and you denied that you had - that the judge would not look favorably toward you on this situation (regardless of your lack of employment because you were employed while all this was happening) and I would be granted my request(s).

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

5)  Your attorney has filed a request to withdraw as your attorney but my attorney has not received notification from the court that this request has been granted.  This means that any replies from my attorney's office going to you is still going through your attorney's office and not directly to you.  There may be things that she has that you are not aware of and that are pending.  I do not know this as a fact because I am not aware what she is or is not sending you.  I do know that I have received several pieces of mail in the past month that were CC's of things sent to your attorney.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

6)  According to the divorce decree, you are responsible for maintaining a $200K life insurance policy for yourself with A&M listed as the beneficiary on the death benefit.  You are also responsible for maintaining health and dental insurance on them.  Since you are not with your employer anymore, how is that being provided?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

7)  If the above amount, as well as whatever child support amount is due in May, is not paid in full before Thursday, June 2, 2005.  I will instruct my attorney to continue with appearing in court to file these contempts against you on Monday, June 6, 2005.

Sincerely,

The Winner

I worked on that email for over 4 days.  Its a testament to how my emotional condition is affected by this man.  The good news is that he doesn't control me like he used to and I'm not subject to being abused anymore.  I can't think of any way that he will be able to come up with almost $5K in a month's time but he can't say that he was ignored.

I'm tempted to say that I can't wait to see what his response will be - but that only means that I've had more interaction with him and I hate that.  In the meantime, I'm supporting my daughters (with the help of their stepfather who adores them and gives freely without regret) and their daddy remains what he has always been.........a loser at large.

Letters To God

I don't know the original author of this so I am unable to give credit where credit is due.

************************************************************************************

A Nun at

Holy

Name

Parochial School

asked her class to write notes to God.

Here are some they handed in: 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You keep the ones You already have? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God:
Who draws the lines around the countries? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
Thank You for the baby brother, but I think you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He is just kidding, isn't he? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Dear God: 
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea. 

***********************************************

What would you write in your letter to God?

Looking for a Scrub Brush

I'm so pissed.

I just spent over 30 minutes making a post and its gone.

I was going to say that Melissa over at Suburban Bliss is having a time with her inlaws and I recently shared a note with her that I sent to my teenage daughters and my hubby.  The note pertained to them reading my blog and the risk that they take by doing that.

You can read about her situation, and how she took the note and mixed it with her own words and personal circumstances and came up with her own letter to her inlaws. 

I applaud her for setting her boundaries and sticking to them, even when people all around her are grasping at straws and trying to turn up the heat.

It got me to thinking about my situation(s) with in-laws.

I don't have a good track record.  My previous ones hated me and were not quiet or coy about it.  They were openly condemning, ugly, and evil.  I never underestimate (still) their ability to sink to a new low.

My current MIL - well, we all know that she loves me.  NOT!!!
Remember when the shit hit the fan back in February and she told me how she really felt about me???

It took a LOT for me to process all that and get to the basics that its not me that has the problem.  I find it so ironic that she feels threatened by me because I'm a strong personality and is afraid that I'm going to steal her son away - but I am the one who is responsible for her son living here after we were married.  And the thing that she is most afraid of is the thing that she has forced to happen (us moving away)

One of the things that struck me about Melissa is how she deals with things when she gets stressed or when people get on her nerves.  She scrubs the floors, on her hands and knees.

I need to learn to do that.

Instead, I usually go to the fridge.  I usually try to heal my hurt with food.  That's how its always been done in my family.  I'm learning not to do that.  I'm dying while I'm trying but I'm trying nonetheless.  So far, I'm doing about average.

I need to go find me a bucket and a scrub brush and some soap......and you know what the first thing is that I'd do with that soap???

I'd wash my MIL's mouth out for all the nasty and innapropriate things that she hurled at me in February.  Words that sting me almost everyday but do not consume me.  Words that remind me daily how much I want out of this house and away from this property.  Its not the right time, and I have to trust that there is a reason why its not the right time yet.  There is a house out there for us - we just have to find it.

Until then - I'll keep searching for that scrubbrush....and use it.

In The Blink of an Eye

When I told you previously that things were moving at lightening speed around here, I wasn't kidding. 

We used to ride through the small hometown where I was raised and joke that you shouldn't "blink" because you'd miss the town. 

Life passes fast like that - in the blink of an eye.

Sometime during the early part of the week of April 11th, Baby K begin sitting up all on her own. The speed with which she could flip over and sit up and lay down increased exponentially during the next 48 hours.  She took 3 falls off the bed that week.  The first with me, the second with my hubby and the third with the 17 yo.  After that, we had a family meeting and first on the agenda was new safety precautions for Baby K.

No more putting her on the bed - only the crib unless you are with her in the bed.

It seemed that within just 2 or 3 days, she graduated to this:

When this took place, I was in the bedroom getting dressed and I was so happy, that I screamed for everyone present in the house to "Come Look!  She's Pulling Up!" and I frightened her to tears.  Can you imagine how I felt?  Only a momentary lapse tho - just look at this precious face.......

Last week, while we were away for the premier of my husband's latest concert piece - I witnessed Baby K crawl about 8 feet across the hotel room floor and then procede to pull up to a knee position on the skirts of the bedspread in the Holiday Inn Express in Hinesville, Ga.  She was so proud of herself and she looked around to see who was watching and then squealed with glee. Of course we all clapped and shared our enthusiasm and she just laughed some more.

Within the past three days - she has graduated to this:

She if FULLY mobile in our den.  She seems quite proud of herself too.  She has learned to crawl with coordination of all arms/legs and she's loving the freedom that it brings.  She's acquired a goose-egg above her right eyebrow where she kissed the hard edge of the TV cabinet.  It looks like someone took a pink lip pencil and drew a straight line parallel to her eyebrow.  It doesn't seem to bother her.  She's moving on.

I've enjoyed this sweet baby more than I was able to enjoy any of my other 3 children.  J's first 14 months were a nightmare that I struggled through like a zombie.  We experienced every nursing dilemma that existed and I was covered in PPD like a hot, itchy & scratchy blanket.  This time it has been different.  She's slept wonderful from birth, she goes at LEAST 4 hours in between feedings, she has her morning poop within an hour of awakening each day, she naps well, she loves the bath water, she rarely fusses, she loves the car seat and traveling, the list goes on and on.

Besides all that - she is just filled with joy and happiness.  This last pic captures her personality (as it has developed thus far).

I've cherished this time because I know it will never come again for me as a mommy.  My next experience with this development stage will be as a grandmother.  The emotions are bittersweet.  I'm filled with gratitude that she is so happy and I thank God every single day that He brought Baby K to us in the unplanned way that he did. I'm reminded these past few days just how quickly things can change, how fast life's pace moves before us.  Sometimes we are lucky enough to participate and sometimes it passes so quickly that we can only stand and observe. 

It all happens in the blink of an eye.........

:::sniffle:::

So What Do I Do Now?

With the recent tragic events that have taken place among our blog circle with Karla & Mark and their baby Ava, and the question that Christi asked on Raindrop's blog about what to do now - I feel moved to share the following:

Just wanted to encourage you to keep talking about your pregnancy and pending birth on your blog.

Karla needs time to grieve - and she will do that no matter if you talk about your pregnancy or not.  You can hurt with her; however, you aren't responsible for her grief because that is a road that only she can walk and shoes that only she can wear.

When you mentioned that you feel guilty about still being prego - that is normal too.  You have something that she wants and right now, will not be able to have.  You sound like you have a tremendous amount of empathy and I admire that.  It is so difficult to know that those we love are hurting and not be able to do anything about it.

Certainly not to sound cold, callus or unfeeling ---but you still have a job to do and so does Karla.  Your job is to celebrate YOUR pregnancy and the life that is growing inside you.  Your job is to take care of yourself with the expectation that all is well and will be well.  Statistically - you have a much larger chance that it will go well than not.  You can still continue to honor Ava's memory and influence that her short life has had on all of us -  but take it for what it is - part of the cycle.  My guess is that a while will go by and perhaps Karla will read, perhaps not......but what a blessing your blog can be for her when she does.  She will be able to see that life does go on, that babies do live, that hearts are healthy and in time - she will be able to turn her face to the sun and move ahead.  She will. 

This process will come whether you talk about your pregnancy or not and think of all the opportunities that you will miss by being silent about your pregnancy. There may be people (and there probably are many) who need to be blessed by your talking and sharing about your baby, blessings, and life.

Pray for Karla & her family, hurt along with them but don't feel guilty or responsible for what Karla and Mark have to do.  Your pregnancy and birth and the blessings it will bring will be waiting for Karla when she is ready.

I wish you a beautiful, gentle and loving birth.

Now go get 'em, girl!

Wash Lady

Our natural tendencies are to try and "remove the pain" from those who are grieving.  It is our human nature to try and do that; however, the bottom line is that we can not do that.  We must not do that.  Why?  Because when we try to circumvent the process of grief, we shortchange, screw up, but most of all prevent the necessary path that the grieving person needs to take.  Karla and her family have work to do.  So do we.  That is not to make light of their grief but just to say that if we don't allow them to do their grief work then we are not supporting them in the best emotionally healthy way.

So that begs the question:  How CAN we support them?

We can continue to send emails, cards, little notes to them. Many of us released balloons - all over the world. Let them know that you are thinking of them.  Most importantaly, pray for them.  Pray for Grace and strength to face whatever the moments bring. Pray for them to feel the support and love of those who care for them. If you feel moved to write about them on your blog, then do so.  Don't hide from your thoughts and feelings.  It will support them to face theirs.  When they are ready - they will join us again. They will offer thanks.

There are things that hurt to hear.....please don't say them.  Don't say it was "God's Will" that this happen or that she can have another baby.  Do we all really think that we worship a God that sits in heaven with a zapper and a ruler and said last week, "well, I think today that I'll have little Ava die and crush the soul of her family and friends" ?  I don't.  And even though Karla may be physically able to have another child one day - and that baby will bring a tremendous amount of healing and joy to that family - it will never be able to replace the emptiness that this set of events leaves with them.......so don't point out to her that she can have another baby.

Insead, please say things like:  We love you, we are hurting with you.  We are thinking of you during this time.  May I __________________ ?(fill in the blank with something that you would like to do for them - it could be bring a meal, clean a toilet, vacuum a floor, cut some grass, anything that you observe that needs to be done.)  Sometimes, just sitting with a person who is grieving and not saying any words is a tremendous comfort.  Packing away the contents of the nursery is part of the grieving process - it needn't be rushed.  It won't make the pain go away any quicker. 

Don't be afraid to talk about Ava - to say or write her name.  Keeping the words off of your lips will not make the pain go away.  Having other people acknowledge Ava and her precious (but brief) existance will validate the feelings of loss that the family feels and actually help facilitate the grieving process.

Most of all - remember that there isn't a "Grief Handbook: 101 Ways to Do it Right" and everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.  Its a scar that forms on the soul and some days it is very raw and open and other days it is healed over but that healing takes time.  And the time Will Come.  Just not as quick as they (or we) want it to.

We need to continue to celebrate and write about our lives, our thoughts and feelings, and whatever else inspires us about our lives.  When Karla is ready - she will join us.  She needs to see that we honor Ava, her, her family and ourselves by continuing on to pave the path that she will walk when she is ready. 

Share your hand, share your heart, share your prayers.....for the days and weeks ahead of her are treacherous and sorrowful....but we can be waiting in the wings to help her when she is ready.

Peace to you all during this time.

A Long, Long Time Ago

Dale, over at Mimico, recently issued a challenge for people to share pictures of themselves when they were younger. 

I thought it might be fun so over the next few days, I'll share some of me.

Below is my VERY FAVORITE picture of all time from my childhood.

Secrets

Ever give any thought to the secrets that people carry around in their souls?

Check this out.

I first visited this site about 3 months ago and then listened to a segment on NPR a few weeks ago.  I made a note that day to share it on my blog.

I've been wondering what I would put on my own postcard.  I think I know.

Do you know what would you put on your postcard?

Until Further Notice

QOTD is on vacation.

Balloons, Wishes, Prayers & Kisses

What do all these things have in common? What comes to mind for you when you think of these words in the same context?

At first glance, one might think of a birthday party of some form of celebration. Wishes for bright tomorrows and for all dreams to come true.  There might be balloons and streamers, presents and a prayer for safety and prosperity.  Lots of kisses would be exchanged in attempts to show the love between those involved and there would be joy - pure, plain, unadulterated j-o-y. There might be tears but those tears would have root in happy memories or perhaps times that lead up to the celebration.  Yes - there would be balloons, wishes, prayers and lots of kisses.  Certainly there would.

But today - they mean something entirely different.  No happy times, no noise makers, no birthday candles or presents. In fact, the presents are only a painful reminder of 'what might have been'. The birth day has passed and all that remains is an emptiness that only time and God's Grace will ever have the power to fill.  There remains a permanent scar - on the heart and on the uterus and on the skin.  It will always be a reminder of what was as well as what will never be. Wishes for the nightmare to end replace those wishes for prosperity.  Prayers turn to pleas for help and consolation and perhaps just silent prayers of a heart that only God can hear or understand.  And pain......I'm talking about pain that runs deep and hard. Certainly the kind that only those who have worn certain shoes of this kind of experience can even understand or comprehend.

Today, my friend Karla from We're Having A Baby does something that no mother (or father) should ever have to do.  She buries her precious newborn Ava.

You may have followed a link in my sidebar to Karla's blog in the past few months and celebrated her joy on the coming birth of her daughter, Ava.  You may have whispered prayers for her or offered a parenting tip or commented on the beautiful belly shots or shower gifts or nursery that she and her husband prepared for Ava's arrival and life.

I don't know what went wrong or what happened during Ava's birth - but I do know that when I came home last night and logged on to check my email and get caught up on my favorite blogs - I found an email from a friend who said I needed to got to Karla's blog and read of the sad news.  My heart sank and I was overcome with that "uh oh" feeling.  I sat there in numb silence as I read the words that must have taken the strength of an elephant for Karla to write and share with us.  I couldn't believe that this was happening to her and her family.  Just a few days earlier, she was sharing pictures of Ava's nursery and asking for tips to share with Mark about what he should do in labor.  I remember telling her that the only job of a husband is to love the mother - and now I think about how very difficult and next to impossible it must be for him to be hurting with his own loss and not being able to make the hurt go away.

Karla's experience brought me back to a personal experience 2 years ago with a dear friend who was also a doula client.  There were a group of us women, good friends and we met for coffee/fellowship - we laughed and belly rubbed and talked of our hopes and dreams for the pending birth of one of the women's baby.  Two days later - she sat in the same room, in the same chair, no longer pregnant but no longer with a baby either.  No one could explain what happened.  I think often of that friend.  She now lives an ocean away, buried in the land of Sweden.  Her son would have been 2 years old last month.  I cried for that memory and for all the dreams buried with that child too.

Karla asked that we all release a balloon today in memory of Ava.  Based on the comments (topping 60 as of 3:30 this afternoon) I believe that balloons will be reaching for the heavens all over this world.  Cities almost on every continent will be watching balloons flying overhead and only a few will understand what those balloons mean. Some of the poetry shared in Ava's memory and as an extention of sympathy for Karla and Mark and McGrandma is touching and hauntingly beautiful.  Take some tissue - you'll need them.

Karla - I want to say to you that you will live through this.  We can't see it or understand it while we are being choked with the reality of death and letting go of someone that we love.  There were so many hopes and dreams and promises that you had to bury today along with Ava and it is damn hard to put one foot in front of the other - much less think of a future.  The only future you are praying and wishing for presently is one where you can breathe free from the overwhelming pain you feel. It will come.

Remember, you are recovering from major surgery.  Your body is doing what it was created to do to feed your baby and there is no baby there to provide for.  (Sage tea will help to dry up your milk) and you have an enormous amount of physical hormones to deal with in addition to the emotional toil that you are navigating.  Be gentle with yourself.  Take one minute at a time.  In a few days or weeks, you will be able to handle one hour at a time.  Know that you are not alone.  Yes, countless women have walked in these shoes and while it does not make your walk any less difficult - it can prove as a testimony that life does go on.

I wish for you today and many days to come - the memory of holding your precious daughter.  I wish for you to be able to keep the visual of her face, her eyes, her little hands and feet and somehow, somewhere, deep down below the rawness of your grief - - I wish for the hope to remain alive in the fact that you are surrounded by people all over the world who care about you, who grieve along with you and who are praying for your own personal peace.

Balloons and wishes, prayers and kisses - share some today.  Release some today. Hug your children close (I know that I am) and don't let another moment pass you by without telling those close to you just how much you love them.

Godspeed Ava.