Restlessness. I hate this feeling but I expect it every time. You know the one where you know somthing is "coming" but it isn't quite here yet and you're left kind of wringing your hands while the time passes until the 'thing' gets here? The one where you find yourself trying to stay busy and ready for lift off?
That's where I am this morning. I'm going home today. The feeling started yesterday afternoon and by bedtime I had morphed my self into a meloncholy quietness. I felt like I was drowing in introspectiveness and the conversation with my hubby at 10 pm last evening didn't leave him feeling very "up".
I've had some time to ask myself a lot of questions, but not arrive at any concrete answers. I keep asking myself, "What am I willing to risk to open myself back up to my marriage?" Today, I'm going home to see and decide what the answer to that question is.
I've come to realize that being self focused and self aware is NOT equal to being self-ish. I'm blatently aware of some things that I've neglected in the past 4 years, including myself and my relationship(s) with people that I used to be really close to.
I'll seek balance in my life. I'll not expect my husband to meet all my physical, emotional and social needs. I'll commit myself to rebuilding the trust that was eroded in one fell swoop Friday a week ago. The only way trust can be rebuilt is through "new history" and I'll set my path in that direction and allow that new history to take shape. Part of that trust will involve what I now call disclosure trust. The kind of trust where I risk disclosing my thoughts and feelings to my husband (without bitching) and where I trust him to disclose his to me. Its how I see this next part getting on its way.
(J) cried for me yesterday for the first time in 5 days. I miss him. I miss my girls. This time has been VERY good for me but today I'm going home.
Emotionally as well as physically.
See you all when I get there.