Life's Laundry

Learning to Adjust to Life's Twist & Turns

Wow!  Time is flying faster and faster.  I realized today that it's been a few weeks since I'm posted and I had  wanted to make an effort to post more regularly. 

Here's what I've been up to in the past month:

1)  Mammogram (actually 2 of them)
2)  Stereo tactic Needle Biopsy  -  turns out I have microcalcifications that will be watched but are now benign.
3)  Started a new medication called Byetta and since beginning 4 weeks ago, have lost over 9 pounds.  I do not have Type II but do have some problems with my liver processing glucose and this drug (done by injection) really targets the 2 hour post prandial effects with the liver.  The downside is that insurance will not cover it because I do not have a Type 2 diagnosis and will not acknowledge the clinicals that have been done on this drug and situations similar to mine.
4)  Put over 3000 miles on my new Mustang.  This car is so sweeeeet!  I feel like I'm riding around in a dream when I drive it.  I feel young, free, proud and courageous all at the same time.  My favorite time in this car has been while driving my friend around to her treatments and cancer support meetings.  Those are memories I will hold dear to my heart forever.
5)  Learned about living wills, power of attorney, brain cancer, being real with someone you love and just learning to live in the moment.  I've learned that you can laugh and cry all at the same time and that hiding from emotion only prolongs what is coming.  It's best to feel what you feel and keep on moving forward. laughter is ok when you are dying (in fact, it really is a requirement) and it does help to heal the soul.
6) Feeling thankful that the father of my older daughters was not killed 2 weeks ago when someone crossed the center line and hit him head on at 55 MPH. He's hurt but will be ok. I remember thinking back to a time when I wished him dead and how I have moved past that and through the path of forgiveness and how in contrast I am glad that he was not fatally injured.  It's amazing how our relationship has changed in the past 24 months. I'm feeling thankful for that too :)
7)  Marveling at how fast the school year has flown by and realizing that my boy is going to be 6 years old in less than 30 days.  Yikes!  He's reading and learning more and more everyday.  This past year, he has also gone from daily therapy with the behavioral specialist to "consult only" which is impressive as can be!
8)  Learning how to live and eat better.  I've really been putting forth effort to have a more alkaline diet and less acidic.  Bad cells can not live in an alkaline environment.  Fat can not hang on to the body or inside of the colon in an alkaline environment.  I have much more energy and am sleeping better. I am committed to taking responsibility of my health and making changes to my diet and exercise plan and having the necessary test/procedures to care for my body in the best way.
9)  Getting ready for Madeline's junior prom.  I hope she will loan me her dress when I go to Celebration in Dallas, TX in August.  This dress (that my mother is designing/making for her) is jaw dropping beautiful.  I cringe to think how much I would have had to fork out had I been forced to purchase it retail.  I have been resteling with memories of mine and that is bitter sweet.
10) Loving my husband!  I'll leave it at that :)
11)  Spending hours each day in my flower gardens.  I really should snap some pictures and do some before and afters from a year ago.  I find it ultimately relaxing and rewarding to dig in the dirt and create beauty for not only me but neighbors to enjoy.
12) Being promoted and certified as a Sr. Trainer.  This is a dream/goal realized and it is every bit as good as I imagined.

Here's what I've got coming in the next few days:

Tomorrow, I have a female procedure to take care of something that really needed taking care of a few years ago. Everything will go well, quick and I'll be good as new in a few days.  The past 3 years since Kat was born have produced an ever increasing problem with that and I'm just getting older.  Two weeks ago when the ultrasound found an endometrial lining almost 4 times the normal size.....my new Dr quickly suggested that we move to take care of that problem with the ablation.  This is the first step (which she thinks will do the trick) to avoid a hysterectomy (which I really do not want).  I do not want the down time that comes with major surgery like that.  I'm having too much fun in my marriage, my life and my business to go through that when it's not required.

So....all is well.  All is expected to be well.  I'm traveling back to Savannah in a few weeks to spend some more time with my friend and grow my business a bit more.

A friend recently joked with me and said, "They say life begins at 40.....but they don't tell you how long it last."  I just laughed at the truth in that.  It seems like my body and my mind require so much more attention now than it used to.  It's harder for me to remember things now with ease.  I had to get reading glasses just to read the screen, magazines and the newspaper.  One thing is for sure....I'm getting better (or so it seems) at learning to navigate those twist and turns.

Choose well everyone!

Just For Me

The day started with an undercurrent of irritation and intolerance.  I felt it all around me but still continued to push through the nagging feelings.  My mind traced back to 17 years ago when my sister was buried on Good Friday and I spent Easter morning hunched over a toilet sick to my stomach with nerves and seven months pregnant.  My Goodness!  Has it really been 17 years since all that took place?  I thought back over the past recent months and recalled the friends who have passed away and are gone.  I cried a bit while brushing my teeth and getting ready for church - thinking if it would be acceptable to come up with an excuse to not attend.  No reason(s) came to me.

I haven't been to church in 6 weeks.  Some of the absence was due to traveling and then one Sunday I just didn't have the emotional fortitude to get ready and go.  I wanted a break from the disappointments of a priest who turns my stomach and people too caught up in their own self centeredness to extend care to someone in need. It's hard to feel a spirit of worship when death and anger have a strong grip on your spirit. It's not easy being disconnected from your church family and even though I know it's temporary, I realize I have issues to reconcile within myself.

I did manage to get ready and was feeling grateful because we were running a bit ahead of schedule.....that didn't last for long because on the way to the car, Rascal (our friendly dog) escaped through the screen door while it was closing.  Instead of getting more angry and chasing him....I just went out into the yard with my scissors and started cutting fresh flowers for the cross at church.  Ten minutes later of waiting for him to come home was just enough time for me to be right on time.  I laughed at how quickly things can change and how just powerless I felt waiting for him to come back home.  I didn't want to upset my kids or pitch a fit myself but I felt the tension rising up within my spine all the way over to my temples. Powerless.....yep, that about summed it up for me.

We arrived to church a few minutes later and without the egg baskets or the 2 dozen eggs that we were supposed to bring.  I had to bite my lip to keep from breaking into tears as I realized it way too late when pulling into the parking lot at church.  I just wanted to deposit my kids in the nursery and find a seat and sit still.  Thankfully, not one person spoke to me as I entered the building.  I found a seat near the back on the left side and sought refuge in that corner. Hubby found me  to say hello (he had to be at church an hour earlier so was already there) and asked where I had left the eggs and the basket.  I think the look on my face gave him warning that the best thing to say was, "We can use a plastic bag and there are way more eggs than enough.  It'll be OK.  Just relax and know I love you."  I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply while silently petitioning over and over, "Come Holy Spirit, Come."

I found my mind wandering again to when my older daughters were younger and how I loved Easter...especially the Easter Vigil on Saturday evening. My entire church year revolved around that service and the emotions packed into those times. Hughe even spoke of those days in his letter to those who attended his funeral.  I thought back to those times and felt my eyes well with tears and as I reached for a tissue, the opening hymn began.  It was the same hymn that we sang all those years.  "Lord, Thank You," (*that's not the hymn but what I was thinking)..... and then I became aware of the various sounds of bells ringing and just as I looked to my left out the window, I saw a ray of sunshine beaming right on the memorial garden...I heard the church bell.  It rang loud and almost as if it were right in my ear....proclaiming the Good News that Jesus Christ is Risen Today!  In an instant, I was right back to that Easter Vigil experience. I closed my eyes and just listened, taking it all in deep. I thought of my friend who is dying and of all those that I love who have died recently.  I felt swept away with my racing thoughts and the emotions were overwhelming as I opened my eyes and watched that ray of sunshine continue to move across the garden.  I wonder now how in the world could the sun have moved that fast but I don't really care.  That ray was just for me. That bell rang for me.  That feeling was just for me. I got the message of, "this too shall pass."

The hymn ended, the worship continued and when we finished communion, I felt a million tons lighter in my spirit. What started as a day with irritation had now been resurrected into being draped in grace and love and letting go.  I felt hope instead of death.

Isn't it interesting that this is what Easter is about? (for me today, anyway)  The promise of hope and renewed life?  Easter is not just about dressing up in new clothes and hunting eggs and chocolate bunnies and singing Easter hymns or even ringing bells.....Its about the transcending hope that overwhelms and overpowers death.  The resurrection of Christ brings a renewal of life that is fundamental to our faith.

Out of the destruction of Good Friday (all those centuries ago and up to now), out of the death of my sister and all those that I love, out of the deaths that will come, out of the disease that many deal with on a day to day basis and out of the hurt and emptiness of grief and anger and lost expectations   ........comes the resurrection and new life and hope of Easter.  God gives grace to those of us who are left and that grace helps us through remaining here and dealing with life.  Is it always easy?  Nope.  Is the hope and resurrection there even when we are clouded in death?  Yes.

The tomb was empty.....and so was I.  But Christ is Risen and we celebrate the hope that can fill us back up and sustain us through those days and seasons that lead up to Easter.

I needed something just for me. I got just what I needed....an empty tomb and grace sufficient.  Let me remember that even when my life feels like a perpetual Good Friday......every day is Easter....just for me (and you).

Alleluia! Amen!

Words I Wish I Didn't Know

Glioblastoma Multiforme

Reflections & a Pool of Tears

It's no secret that my post have all but stopped in the past 6 months.  Even when I did post, with the exception of this post, it was about something having to do with sickness and death.

I've debated whether to continue to pay the $9/month fee to keep this blog up and running but have allowed it to continue because I do not want to lose the archive of my births, the journey of remodeling our home and the different thoughts that I somehow managed to put to the screen.  I can't seem to make up my  mind. 

I know I'm not the only person in this world who feels like her life is spinning at a high rate of speed.  Notice that I don't project that the spinning is out of control - just that the speed is way too fast.  I've been spending a tremendous amount of time the past 3 weeks in reflection and most of it brings me to tears.

In the past 6 months, I've lost 2 very dear male friends. One in a long, drawn-out suffering from cancer and the other in an immediate and certainly untimely death in a motor vehicle accident.  Then there was the explosion at the refinery and several people died from that.  People are still dying in the burn unit weeks after that horrific accident.  These events sent my world and emotional calm into a spinning cycle more charged and powerful than an industrial washing machine. I feel like I'm trapped inside watching others on the outside and the door won't open and let me out.

While I intellectually know that death is a part of life and death must occur for new beginnings to be born....it still hurts and grief is grief.

Two weeks ago, someone pressed the 'super spin cycle' and propelled me even faster.  All the reflection since this incident (that I will share in another paragraph) leaves me feeling anger, sadness, disbelief and even depression.  Sounds like the stages of grief, doesn't it? 

It is.

Last month, while I was home (in south GA) for my unit meeting.  I met up with my best girlfriend for mexican food and we added another friend from high school. This is a common practice for us because even after all this time, we still love being together and sharing our lives with each other. JS (my best girlfriend) and I have been very close since first grade.  It wasn't until our adult life that we learned the real meaning of friendship when we saw each other through divorces and births and moving and emotionally intimate things that only women can share with each other. 

We laughed, like we always do when we are together. We talked about how we should relax more and she mentioned that she'd been having horrible headaches for several weeks.  Our dinner date was the 11th of February.

On Tuesday, February 26th they removed a brain tumor from her front right temporal lobe.  She tolerated the procedure very well and even surprised the neuro sugeons by coming off the ventilator within 18 hours and going home within 3 days.  I admit that I clung to the hope of a miracle and kept trying to convince myself that everything would be 'fine.'

Last week, the pathology report came back.

She has stage 4 brain cancer.  It's the kind that spreads through the blood vessels of the brain and the prognosis is very poor. There are no statistics for anyone more than 20 months out with the average being 10-14 months.  Even aggressive chemo and radiation will only buy her a few more months.

I've studied almost everything that I can get my hands on, including some research that my neighbor doctor friend obtained for me. None of it encourages long term planning or encourages one to hope for anything but borrowed time.

She's only 41.  She's a single mom.  She's got a 10 year old son.  She's full of love for everyone and everything and I want to pound my fist at everything and just "WILL" her to get better.  I want to will myself to not feel any pain of projected loss or having to watch someone that I love as if she were my own blood sister suffer through the death that is coming for her.  Well yeah, we are all going to die but it's the method of delivery that is bothering me so much right now.  I'm I'm pretty f*ck!ng tired of my friends dying!!  Not only do I feel like someone turned up the speed on the spin cycle, but I feel like they're spraying constant liquid in my face and I can't seem to catch my breath.

I spent yesterday morning with her.  We laughed, we cried.  What once was a beautiful head of deep auburn long hair is now a mangled mess of matted hair and another side of a swollen head with 2 weeks worth of gray stubble peeking from around a scar that looks like someone placed an industrial lightbulb on the side of her head and then just traced around the outside of it with a scalpel.  Her beauty isn't gone.....but this mean and nondiscriminating monster of a disease is already ravaging her body and soul and I hate hate hate to see it happening and even more so I hate that I feel helpless to fix it for her.  What was once a beautiful smile and twinkling eyes is now replaced by a swollen right eye and a mouth that droops on the edge.  I know I'm feeling anger and fear of the unknown and I can't even begin to fathom what must be running through her mind.  She shared several things with me and while we filled that room with laughter and tears....we did talk of real things and what she wants and doesn't want in the months to come. 

Here's my promise to her:

To be real and present in the moment.  To always speak the truth in love and kindness.  To be very careful that whatever I promise that I feel like I can deliver or that I can do my best to be able to make happen.  That I will do everything in my power to help her feel safe - even to the very last moment we are together.  To phone every day so that she knows that there is at least one thing that she can count on to remain consistent.  To share information with her - even when it might be distressing because the people surrounding her right now are not able to talk openly or even say the word "cancer" yet and she isn't able to sit at the computer for more than about 4 minutes at a time.  That I will take her for a ride in my new car so that she can feel the wind in her face and scream at the top of her lungs.  To hold her hand.  To listen and be quiet when necessary.  To remind her of all the silly and sometimes even stupid things that we did in our childhood....and even into adulthood.  To go with her when possible to treatment.  To believe in miracles but to remain grounded in the reality and not seek refuge in denial. To help her fight for her dignity in death and to walk with her so that she feels surrounded by love on this journey.

Reflection can bring up so many different emotions.  I know what I'm experiencing is part of the grief process and I know that this is only the beginning.  I cry when I feel like it (which is a lot lately) and I laugh when I want (which I'm trying to do more of).  I'm eternally filled with gratitude that we have been a part of each other's life and that I have a career where I do NOT have to ask for time off to go be with my dying friend.  I'm thankful for a spouse who has walked these miles before me and who is full of love and support and guidance for the steps that I'm walking.  I'm thankful that I'm watching my children grow everyday and I'm thankful for the avenue to express my feelings here. I"m thankful for the women I've met through my company and the companionship and support they offer for me and a woman that they don't even know.

Nothing is guaranteed.  Make every day count.  Dream Big!

The World is Such a S.M.A.L.L. Place

I wish I could post that it was all a dream, but it isn't.

The information continues to trickle in from here and there......and each time we hear a bit of information about someone and how we are all connected, the world gets smaller and smaller.

The number of missing has climbed back up to over 17.  It occured to enforcements today that there were contractors and security that were on the premise.  Some were from as far away as the west coast. And since the main company doesn't keep track of which contractors do what (except to provide a security pass - which the headquaters was blown to smitherines) it's like trying to piece an ever changing puzzle together while the shapes keep morphing.

They believe that 17 people are somewhere inside the property. They are calling it a recovery effort, not search and rescue. The bodies that have been recovered were located deep under the plant in tunnels that run under the mill.  There has been no mention of how badly their bodies were burned.  I can't say enough good things about how the community is protecting their own people from the media.  No one will share information to the media about the families.  Teams have been set up to shield the families from the national media.  No names are being released even yet. The standard reply is 'no comment'. The only reason we know who it is is because people are sharing privately.  Word is spreading as quickly as the fire.  Community is a powerful thing.

And my friend at the burn unit.........get this - his organs are still working and he's survived 3 surgeries today.  What we thought was seriously going to be a funeral isn't happening.  The doctors are saying that they believe that he is going to live based on his improvement in the past 12 hours. They are calling it a miracle.

I've been on the phone on and off with my daughter's daddy today gathering and exchanging information.  He shares things I didn't know and I share what he wasn't aware of.  He went back to the church this evening to assist in the clean up of the grounds and church facility and commented on the almost 5 gallon bucket full of cigarette butts that he picked up off the lawn in front of the church.  It seemed to bother him that they couldn't use the receptacle for their trash.  I can't even begin to fathom the amount of stress and nicotine that was pulsing through the veins of rescue workers, firefighters, law enforcement, Red Cross Volunteers, community members, and most off all - family members.  If a cigarette helped the cope - I think I have to say puff on, honey.

I digress....

I knew my cell phone and home phone had been busy today but I didn't realize that I have answered over 112 phone calls today.  My caller ID is full and as I clicked through the names, I was reminded of how we are all connected.  Those who open their hearts open themselves to more connections.  Everyone knows someone.  I realized that I knew people that I didn't know that I knew. I'm learning who was married and related to who.  The world is such a s.m.a.l.l. place.  I've been gone from there for over 8 years but it still has a tug on my heart at times.  This is one of those times.

I've even had local friends today calling me to see if I knew that there was an accident in my home town and when I shared that I did and had a connection to some of them, their calls turned to comfort and offers of prayer for not only those I personally know but for everyone.

I talked with someone (and you tell me if you think I'm being too sensitive) but as I was telling her about the things Madeline told me, she said, "Not to interrupt you (which she was) but I already know all that, I've been watching CNN all morning."  When I met her with just silence (for I was in a rude shock), she said, "don't take that the way it sounded." I just said, "I need to go.  Bye."  I'm thinking to myself for the rest of the day - how else was I supposed to take it?  There have been times I've listened to this woman go on and on sometimes with her talk, even when I'm not interested and I do it because she needs someone to listen while she thinks out loud.  She hurt me today.  Am I being too sensitive?  I care about her and our friendship so I'm going to have to figure out a way to reconcile my hurt feelings so they don't get between us.  A few days of cooling off might be able to help.

Of course the rumor mill is rampant.....safety issues within the plant that went unaddressed, and speculation about the future of the refinery.....seem to be keeping trouble makers busy.  Where there is good....there seems to be negativity and trouble making close by :(

All that to say that I hope you'll continue to keep that community and those families in your prayers and the days and weeks ahead unfold the future.  Bodies need to heal and more importantly and more difficult - souls need to heal.

Prayer Request

On Thursday evening about 7:30, there was a horrific explosion at the Sugar Refinery in Savannah, GA. This is close to where I am from.

I first learned of the tragedy when Madeline called me on her cell phone to alert me of the explosion.  She was at her grandparent’s house about 1/8 mile from the refinery.  She told me that she and her father were going over to the church (across the backyard ditch) to help out as they would be turning the church into a triage area for people being recovered from the explosion and wreckage.  It later became a holding area for family members of the refinery workers while they waited for news of their loved ones. Can you imagine waiting hours to find out if someone you love is dead or alive?  Or even accounted for?

I was able to connect to a live feed via internet of the local news and continued to receive updates every 20-30 minutes from Madeline through her cell phone.  National news wasn’t as accurate as the local news.  She would share information with me about 20 minutes before it would be released on the local news.  I was so proud of her resolve to remain calm so she could help.  I hated that she had to witness what she did. 

I have many childhood friends who are involved in this whole process.  Some escaped with minimal injury and some did not fare as well.  One friend was one of the 19 transported by LifeFlight to the Augusta burn center.  His prognosis is not good as he has 3^rd degree burns over 65% of his body.  I believe that God will heal him through the miracle of death.

Currently, there are 6 workers who remain unaccounted for who are confirmed to have clocked in on the 2^nd shift and whose job is in the direct vicinity of the origination of the explosion. 

Here's an arial view from this morning:

Please keep these families, these victims and this entire community in your prayers.  EVERYONE is affected by this horrific event.  I also ask that you keep Madeline in your prayers as last night she witnessed some of the most mind altering scenes.  Those kinds of experiences change people forever.

One thing she shared with me this morning is that last night – she saw the face of God in all of the people who came to help out and how blessed and thankful she was to have been a part of offering what bit of comfort she could to these families who waited sometimes hours to find out if their loved ones were alive or not. She said, “I never thought filling cups with ice and pouring tea would make me feel so good.” How appropriate that this church became a place of support and comfort for those who were heavy laden.  Praise be to God!

I did get an email from my former husband this morning about the event and his reflections on our daughter's contribution, attitude, and willingness to do whatever needed to be done.  He expressed his great pride for her and thankfulnes that his family members are safe today.  One of the still missing is his childhood friend.

If you are a news junkie or would like to see images from the news, you can click here.

I leave for Savannah tomorrow (Saturday) and will return Tuesday.  This trip was planned long ago for my monthly unit meeting.

Please keep everyone in your prayers.

OH! and with prayers of THANKSGIVING!!!!! One of the consultants in our unit was the recipient of a new heart this past week and has gone from being on death's bed......to sitting up, breathing and talking on her own.  Isn't THAT amazing?!  Thank you to the family who experienced loss and offered that heart so someone else could gain and live! Not only did they bless the women who received the heart, but her family and friends.  We don't always know how far our ripple extends, do we?

If you are not currently an organ donor - please do so today.

Edited at 1:35 PM to add: They have recovered the bodies of the 6 that were unnaccounted for. I hope their death was swift and without much warning or fear. May they rest in peace.

Melt My Heart

Today, as I was working on some clerical stuff......Little Sister comes running in my office, throws her entire body into a hug for me and exclaims, "I'm so glad you're my mommy!"

And just as I caught my breath, she turned and ran away.  It was over before I ever knew it began.

How will my heart ever retain all the memories that I want it to?  ::gulp::

On a lighter note: The car is scheduled to arrive the 2nd or 3rd week of March :)

I Earned It!

The contract came today. 

It's official.  Our unit has completed all the requirements of the BeautiControl Mustang Leadership Program and has earned the reward.  A 2008 Ford Mustang. It's not a lease car or a company car.  It's mine and all the fees and cost are taken care of by my company.  I pay for insurance and enjoy it :)  I consider it our "trophy on wheels."

I have a lot of choice on the options and I'm going to the dealership on Monday to take a look in person at some of the rims and other options before I complete the contract. I already know that I want the convertible and the Pony Package. I'll most likely add the comfort group package with leather seats so that I can have heated driver and passenger seats. It takes anywhere from 60-90 days for FMC to build the car and I'll have about a 10 days notice when it's set to arrive at my local dealership.

Decisions.....decisions.....but I love it.  I earned it with the help of my unit and the journey of growth has been nothing short of phenomenal.

Congratulations to my unit because we are one of the newest "Mustang Units!"